Sunday, January 11, 2009

Of Axe, World of WarCraft's Neutering Impact, and Testicles

You may or may not have noticed, but your peepers and brain are inundated with absurd and startling calumny, lies and casuistry. The Internet sends it at 300,000,000 meters per second into your noggin'. Absolutely horrible true stories of death and pain are beamed, along with images of Eva Mendes' ass and teenage skateboarders getting nailed in the crotch, for us to feast our jellied orbs on.

This brings me to Axe body spray, but before I get to that I just want to say that it has been a long time since I've watched a kid get nailed in the testicles by a stationary object while trying to land a skateboarding move. Eva Mendes' ass, however, was just here!

And I have two thoughts about skateboarding accidents on video. The first is that I love it, because skateboarders are total cunts. Total. When I worked at the Fairmont Copley Plaza I had a few run-ins with these vermin. They won't hesitate to lecture you about how it is their space, too, in which to fling about wildly. But ask them to stop for 5 seconds so you can walk by, and they turn into, well, cunts. Desirous of freedom but shunning the responsibility of being a decent human being.

I'm using the Oxford English Dictionary definition of "cunt," just so you know.

The second thought is, "Why is this funny?" People love the image of a man or boy getting hit in the testes. It's just hilarious to people across cultural divides. But why? Farts are funny, too, but harmless. If a woman or girl gets hit in the jukebox and is clearly in pain, everyone is deadly serious. Everyone asks, "Are you ok?" and huddles around; images of a withered womb and a broken-hearted spinster come to mind. But a male, who it can easily be argued is in at least as much pain and danger of permanent damage as a female, is mocked. Everyone has a grand ole time. Shit, guys get laughed at by their friends. If I'm ever in agony and you're laughing at me, we ain't friends no more. Don't expect a birthday card.

As most people know, my balls are in a jar at Mass General Hospital, labeled "Abbie Normal." It still hurts to get hit there, as it hurts to get his anywhere, but my empty scrotum could win me a few bar bets. These days I use my ball sack to keep subway tokens in, but since they don't use subway tokens in Boston anymore, I just leave them there.

Just so you know I'm all man, I'd like to report that my COCK IS BUMPIN' AND READY FOR ACTION!!! Whatever that means. Although that doesn't change the fact that it is, in fact, a totally average wang. Strangely enough, that's the name of a Chinese show based on "How I Met Your Mother." Totally Average Wang.

Here's the fucking Axe story that irks me so:

Axe body spray makes men more attractive to women -- although not quite in the way its racy ads suggest.

British researchers gave heterosexuals males in their 20s either an unmarked spray can containing Axe, or an odorless placebo. Afterward, they were asked to record a short video describing themselves.

Women who viewed the 15-second videos on mute rated men higher on sex appeal than those who got the placebo. Since they obviously couldn't smell the subjects, the experiment doesn't address the assertion that gals are powerless in the face of Axe's mesmerizing odor, but rather suggests guys with a pleasant scent display more confident body language.

So basically you have a bunch of dipshit young men, stupid enough to be bolstered by the High School prom aroma of Axe. As you just read, this has nothing to do with Axe, but with how easily men can be ensnared by a products' promise of getting laid more often. That's not an Earth shattering development. That gullibility is responsible for countless spam emails and pop-ups urging me to take something for my cock. Make it bigger, stiffer, whatever. Hell, make it whistle and do a Cagney impression, it won't hurt.

When I was watching a boner-enhancing ad on television, the one with "Smilin' Bob," I had a thought of a detached penis leaving my crotch in my sleep, standing on my chest and pounding his little cock feet, yelling, "What the fuck do you want from me???" And Saint Peter has a point, and not just if he is circumcised. Ask yourself, my male friends, what your cock isn't doing that you want it to do. Sing Mamy?

The same is true of Axe body spray. If you don't have a job or a car the battle for a bit of bush is going to be an uphill one, no matter what chemical you've misted all over your fat, pale ass. My recommendation? Alcohol and humor. And a job and a car.

That's actually my recommendation for every scenario. Throw in pills and weed and you're livin' it Darren-style!

You may feel compelled to mock the relationship/sexual advice of a boob like me. But one thing I've always had is a girlfriend, so suck on that, Horatio. You think it's easy finding sex, or even to make a nest in the heart of another, when you're me? Axe, or Sex Panther cologne, isn't going to help if you're playing World of Warcraft and living with your parents.

Incidentally, I don't know why Linda is with me now, or why any of those women over the years deigned to touch me. But I've been with some weird and wonderful women, and the one I'm with tops them all. The first thing Linda did, besides almost throw me out of her house for a first date faux pas, is get me to wash off the Axe.

It was on sale.


Anonymous said...

Nuts in a jar?
At least the cow's unused organs made soup.

Anonymous said...

What kind of weed do you smoke? haha! i have fake target brand axe. its called "tahoe" it smells like shit but my girlfriend loves it, an its kind of disturbing.. so fucking confusing! i bet you anonymous is a brit fan. if you knah'mean bro!

mel said...

interestingly (or perhaps not), *i* was in search of a manly scent just last night. i liked "sienna" by crabtree & evelyn, but wasn't quite ready to blow $40 on it. so c. and i mixed something up from the essential oils among her soapmaking supplies. cedarwood and clove. kind of nice. but maybe i should have considered axe...i think that's in my price range. ;)