A Fine Month

April 20th is an auspicious day. Sure, it's the day that BP started spilling a quattuordecillion little drops of crude oil (206,000,000 gallons) into the Gulf of Mexico, way back in 2010. It was the largest oil spill in the history of...oil. For three withering, depressing months we all watched as oil ejaculated into the gulf, and the little birdies and fishies had their summer ruined, not to mention the people. If you don't know what a quattuordecillion is, it's a 1 followed by 45 zeros. A lot. In Britain, the same number is a 1 followed by 84 zeros. More proof that Americans suck at math.

One side benefit of the spill, however, is that people can fry shrimp without putting any oil in the pan first.

April 20th is also Adolph Hitler's birthday. In case you don't know, he killed a lot of people and ruined the toothbrush moustache for everyone.

It was also the day of the Columbine High School massacre, the failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba, and the day the Chicago Cubs first played in 1916. Not to mention the day that Oliver Cromwell dissolved the Rump Parliament. You'll never forget where you were when that happened, I wager.

So what makes April 20th auspicious? It's the day that Nancy and I are getting married in 2012. The day we enter a state of marital bliss. The day, I hear, that most couples stop having sex. Regardless of that aspect of it, we're going to set April 20th on happy footing. It will be remembered as our anniversary, the day that Darren stopped annoying women (besides Nancy) with his unwanted sexual advances. And they lived happily ever after until there came to them The One Who Destroys All Happiness.

I'm sure that a lot of good things happened on April 20th. As we all know, "420" has nebulous connections to smoking marijuana. It's the birthday of Crispin Glover, Jessica Lange, Veronica Cartwright and Ryan O'neil, and the day that the Wisconsin Territory was created. Not such a great day for the Native Americans, though.

By April 20th the forsythia will be in bloom, the grass will be green, and we'll be married. It's a fine month.

Mark Slaughter wrote this. I dig.

Still an irritating wind;
Vestiges of stubborn grey –
Jibing us of recent winter blight.

It’s coming though – like perky breasts
Pushing through a blouse –
Teasing, pleasing in it’s tantalising play:

Warmth of youth in April sun –
Simmering off depression,
Brains retuned; remapped for fun.

April is a portal –
Smoothly transitions
Delicate dispositions – suchlike mine,

Easing hunched bodies into
Summery smiles.

Zuckerberg Poops His Chinos

The little fucker Zuckerberg is frequently under attack on Facebook. In fact, the "little fucker Zuckerberg" is a term of disaffection that I keep coming across, I didn't make it up. What motivates this anger seems to be about how Facebook keeps changing the layout and way in which one may tweak privacy settings. It doesn't really bother me. At least that's not what annoys me about Zuckerberg.

What does annoy me is that, according to the film, "The Social Network," Zuckerberg is a total prick. He is also an amazingly successful young man. That level of success makes me want to hit him in the face with a lemon pie. A frozen lemon pie. He's just too damn adept, talented and accomplished. At the age of 26, he's a billionaire responsible for changing the way hundreds of millions of people socialize with each other. Facebook has changed the way products are marketed, people communicate, and short videos of "Hitler cats" go viral.

He needs to be stopped. He is making us all look bad. The age of 26 found me a thousand-aire, in a nut-house, and ensconced in self-pity after a failed relationship. At that age, I was shooing homeless drug-addicts away from my cot in the men's dorm at The Arbour. I'll bet that Mr. Zuckerberg never had to feign a loud cough to discourage a frantically masturbating ne'er-do-well two cots over.

As I said, 26 found me madly in love with a young lady who returned my love for about 4 months before dumping me with extreme prejudice. Most of 1998 had me stomping about town, screaming like Frankenstein's creature, clutching my chest and holding my head. Not unlike John Cusack in High Fidelity.

Later that year, I nearly broke up a marriage when a woman cheated on her husband and used me as one might use a blow-up doll. Keep reaching for the stars!

The man simply has it together and knows what he is doing, with a vengeance. He should be proud of himself. Yup. But it annoys me. Those Germans have a word for taking pleasure in the suffering of others, and that word is "shadenfreude." It's low and trite of me, but I confess no small amount of pleasure in knowing that life eventually squashes all of us. With any luck, it will be a woman who does the deed. Not that I wish unrequited love on anyone (except, apparently, Mark Zuckerberg), but it's a reliable humbler. A de-egofier. Look what women-folk did to Tiger Woods. The man was the greatest golfer in the history of mankind before his affair went public. Now, he wears a look of vague confusion on his face and can't win a tournament to save his life. He's rated 5th in the world and falling. Yup, the ladies will always flick you off of the top of the world like a dried-up booger.

I could look at Zuckerberg and feel inspired, and perhaps to feel motivated enough to turn my life around. To admire the little fuck-face. Yeah, I could do that. It's easier, however, to wish for a piano to fall on his head, or that he'll get lost in his house and not emerge for several years (it's a big house). The image of him with a beard, stinking with body odor and suffering from scurvy, pleases me.

As I said, though, he'll probably get knocked down a peg or five in the wake of a failed relationship. An infatuated Zuckerberg using gasoline to spell out, "Take me back, you bitch!" on some poor woman's lawn may happen one day. Hell, an ingrown toenail may be enough, or a fart that leads to him shitting himself, or an "Internetting" accident that leads to his pinky finger getting sheered off. Anything to show that he is a fragile human being.

Not nice of me.

The Rotting Corpse of America

Enough is enough, I've had it. A 3-day waiting list for an abortion in North Dakota...or is it South Dakota. One of those shit-holes. And a hearing involving the input from a 12-week old fetus. Sweet, fancy Moses we've lost our minds. Conservatives just have to get over it, a woman has the right to terminate a pregnancy. That's it and that's all.

A war in Afghanistan, Iraq, and now Libya. The US needs to recognize that we are not the grand high pooh-bahs of Upper Butt-crack anymore. Some day we'll stop bombing and invading other countries, and the world will be a much better place for it. The easiest way to stop our endless misadventures hither and yon is to force senators and representatives to vote to declare war or not. If we're going to send young men and women to die, the least these spineless pricks could do is take a vote.

Obama is useless, and I'll never vote for him again. He let the Republicans convince him that the debt is the most important problem we have. It's not. And where was he during the demonstrations in Wisconsin? On the campaign trail, he vowed to fight for unions and collective bargaining rights. All we got is a couple of half-assed speeches. Another broken promise. Obama has dropped the ball on everything from Social Security to health care reform. I guess the last straw for me was when he allowed dozens of new oil platforms along the coast of the US. Drill, baby drill.

And that is just scratching the surface. The president has nothing to offer, unless you happen to be wealthy. How is that different from any god-damned Republican? It isn't. So in 2012, I'll be voting for a Green, Socialist, Labor or some other 3rd party candidate. If a Republican wins because the left votes for a can't-win candidate, it won't change anything. The two major parties have never been closer together. They are one now.

Fox news is a microphone for Rupert Murdoch and the Koch brothers, and the GOP, to boot. Anyone who doubts that is either in denial or ignorant. More people watch Fox news than CNN and MSNBC combined. A recent study of Fox views shows that their not old fogies and tea-baggers, either. Most viewers are in their 20's and 30's, and "mainstream" in America today. A recent poll shows that a quarter of Americans think that Obama wasn't born in the United States. Close to half think Obama a Muslim. Americans are stupid and gullible and easily manipulated by anyone who pays to manipulate them.

Something else. More people need to realize that capitalism doesn't work, and regulated capitalism simply lets it died slower. It took $1.1 trillion dollars to save capitalism from itself. Nothing in history can compare to this con that was worked on the American people. And in the wake of this enormous welfare check used to bolster a failed economic system, not a single new regulation was passed to prevent it from happening again. Gullible and stupid.

Consider also the attention span of your average dip-shit American. During the British Petroleum oil catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico, people called for new regulations, criminal charges, and a ban on coastal drilling. As soon as the oil stopped flowing into the gulf, however, we moved on to something else. Now BP is running ads on television, crowing about how wonderful the gulf is now, thanks to them. I'm sure it's working. Spend a little money, run a few ads, and there you go.

On to Congress and the debt hawks, again. We need to cut PBS, the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration (along with the National Weather Service), home heating subsidies for poor families, student loans, Planned Parenthood, and on and on. Didn't you know that the debt needs to be cut? But you can't touch the temporary Bush tax cuts for the wealthy, oh no. Why? Because in America today, the rich get what they want, when they want it, and the rest of us can FUCK OFF.

The Citizen's United case is the most damaging Supreme Court decision in the history of this country. Another sign of madness. Another sign that money governs us.

What upsets you, dear reader? The list of bad decisions and poor judgment goes on and on. Someone once said that an empire in decline embraces Fascism. If I could, I'd leave this country. It is my home, and I love it. That's why I'd leave it if I could. Watching vultures pick over the corpse of someone you loved is rather hard to watch, wouldn't you say? The grotesque, twisted, mangled body of America now rots as carrion before us. It's a show I'd rather miss.

The Light Within and Without

The moon is as advertised tonight, very large and bright. The ideal time to show Bill O'Reilly what causes tides. Some coves, bays, nooks, and crannies along the coast will actually have higher tides than normal. Never a misunderstanding. The night is crisp and clear and the sky looks as it does just before the sun rises.

I dig it.

Annie and I took a walk earlier, and we both enjoyed the spectacle. The pull, the pull, the pull. The gravity was reduced to such a degree that she floated several inches off the ground, and walking her was like carrying a day old, slightly flaccid, helium balloon. An awkward yank sent her spinning like a Roulette wheel as she hovered, with only the cold air to slow her down. In space, she would have spun from here to eternity. Imagine that. Her brilliant poof of a tail reflecting sunlight only at a certain point in her arc. Blink, blink, blink. From here it would look like a winking star. With her ears splayed wide and a shocked expression on her little doggy face, spinning forever. Never a misunderstanding.

Nancy is sitting across the room from me as I write this little missive to the world. The moon is out the window to my right, shining white and ensconced in a halo of deep blue. They have something in common, those two. She pulls at me and is always glowing in my eyes, and is most often seen at night. Sometimes tempestuous thoughts and feelings obstruct my view, as clouds and fog do to the moon. She is there nonetheless, her affect on me undiminished. To her, midnight is high noon, and the sunrise compels here to climb into bed, like the late evening to most people. My darling insomniac.

Unlike the moon, Nancy drinks a lot of Diet Coke and is regularly outraged by politics, and stubbornly insists that there be a modicum of social justice in this world. Her beauty and her anger are an irresistible siren's song that draws me in every day and every night.

Never a misunderstanding!

The Rattlesnake, Toad, and Vampire

Patch of Ice

A fog rolled in today, with rain to come. Annie and I were walking in it a moment ago, and the wind and chill shortened our time together outside considerably. Nancy is still convalescing from her painful foot surgery. It's hard to do anything with a bandaged, throbbing foot. My experience with a severely infected ingrown toenail taught me that if a finger or toe is tender, you will smack it on everything. Poor Nancy slipped on some ice on Commonwealth Avenue in Boston, the only patch of ice in sight, and fell on her newly sliced-and-diced foot. I still wince when I think about it.

A digression: My woman is magnificent with a pair of crutches. Like Michael Jackson and Robocop had a four-legged baby. I haven't seen crutch-work like that since my brother shattered his femur when we were children. It was almost a shame when he didn't need them anymore.

It's raining out now, and I'm enjoying every drop. There are a few snow piles left, filthy and large. Watching them melt pleases me. Hell knows what's inside them. The rain and relative warmth will reveal lost bicycles, scooters, pets, uncles, children, awkward moments, forced holiday mirth, ennui, thousands of dog turds, and who knows what else. With any luck, they'll find Mrs. Edelstein. All frozen in place since December.

Last night, I had a massive anxiety attack after reading about Republican plans to attack Social Security. Thoughts of being homeless and medication free are dancing frantically (almost manically) in my head. I'm scoping out places in the park, and one spot under the Rt. 2/Lake Street over pass really caught my eye. Annie and I walked for a long time, and my thoughts and feelings were those of a man living in fear. Being disabled, I depend upon government programs, and this country has become hostile to the poor as a matter of public policy.

Sigh.

I've not much more to say right now. Politically, this country has taken a tack that not only saddens me in the abstract but, as I said, frightens me in my day to day life. There is no point to writing any more about that, but a quote from Edmund Burke comes to mind as I sign off.

"Those who don't know history are destined to repeat it."

Happy Thoughts for When Republicans Talk

Depression is boring, to have, or hear about. So I won't spend much time whining, and I'll couch my self-pity in such a way as to make them sound like observations.

When I'm depressed, I go to bed early and try to sleep in as late as possible. That is exceedingly difficult, the sleeping late part, because of my morning anxiety attack. Something vigorously compels me to get out of bed, complete my morning toilette, dress, and then drink coffee and smoke my pipe. While doing that, I plan my day. With that, anxiety subsides. It's not unlike a soldier on guard duty who falls asleep at his post, and then awakens in a panicked state that won't subside until he knows that all is all right. Every morning feels like that to me.

After that, nothing of note happens, except when Nancy awakens and I hug her and try to make it clear how much she means to me. I've learned never to take anything or anyone for granted.

Housecleaning, laundry and painting my flat has kept me feeling productive. Every so often, I hear or read a political comment that infuriates me. This leads to anger and irritability in addition to depression. That's not a good combination.

Most of the political debate these days is beneath any thinking or self-respecting person. Logic, decency and compassion have gone bye-bye. It's a shame, given that we live in remarkable times. We need thoughtful, principled leaders running our country. There are a few, but their voices are drowned out by the din of shouted "logic," that is absurd, hurtful and twisted. It has been bought and paid for by special interests, and we have to listen to it. America is a prosperous nation, particularly if you're a large corporation, and every elected official, being human, has a price. Not good for our republic.

Serenity now...serenity now...serenity now...

Negativity is a cancer on the mind, growing and taking time and resources away from nobler thoughts, making it difficult to appreciate a world full of things worth appreciating. One is inclined to hover, out of a morbid curiosity, over painful memories and dreadful possibilities.

Better to move my eyes across my memory and find places less often explored. I'm thinking of the Reading Room at my local library, as it pleases me. I used to love sitting there, reading the paper in the library to save a few bits.


When I was a student at UMass Boston, I spent several hours a week having lunch next to the Kennedy Library. That was sweet.


This is an aerial shot of George's Island, in Boston harbor. One can sit there in the shadow of the city, but not hear a thing except for the waves lapping at the shore.


Another great point to take in the ocean is Good Harbor Beach in Gloucester, Massachusetts.


Boston's Symphony Hall, which I don't get to enough.

I first saw the Wang Center lobby when I was very young. It made quite an impression on me.

My second home in the '90's, The UMass Boston campus at Columbia Point.

The Gardner Museum garden, in the center of the building, is just the bee's knees.

And Annie is more effective than any pill at killing negative thoughts.

Wow, I feel better already. The trick is to be vigilant. If one isn't careful, negative thoughts creep in and...oh, shit!!!!