Friday, July 29, 2005

Tsunami Relief

This is a bit of a delayed reaction, by about 8 months, to something I saw during the campaign to help the victims of the big tsunami. I want all three of you who are reading this to know that what I'm going to say isn't a criticism. On the contrary, what I saw is rather touching. It just also happens to be really funny to me.

Some small town somewhere in our fair nation decided to put together aid packages to the millions of people who were punished by God for not being Christian. The wrath of God comes in many forms, including a big wave, which is another indication that God is a total prick. That's called sarcasm, and it is the coin of the realm in the magical land of Darren.

These people, out of the goodness of their hearts (seriously) wanted badly to help. It's not like life in Sri Lanka is a bag of apples to begin with, and natural disasters don't help. And what an outpouring of support for these poor people! So people busily put together little packages of soap, toothbrushes, baby food, and various other sundries. In my opinion, a mass export of sponges would have been a good idea. But I have no right to mock, given that I didn't do a single solitary thing to help any one of them.

Somebody has to take the time to watch all the Internet porn, play Flash games, and maintain self-indulgent 'blogs. And let's not forget the dancing bacon...I should set up a link for that.

But people, don't tell me that sending toothbrushes to orphans on Phuket isn't funny. I can just imagine a child, whose family was recently consumed by the big foamy, holding a toothbrush in the middle of a town that was wiped off the faced of the Earth, ala Dresden or Hiroshima. It's like getting a John Tesh CD for your birthday; you appreciate the thought amid confusion and a strong desire to forget it ever happened.

And baby food was a poor choice, given the number of babies found floating around in the Indian Ocean. That's probably why the United Nations immediately told people to send MONEY. You can buy toothbrushes with money if you like, but something tells me that most aid agencies used it to buy anything else. Literally, anything else.

If you think I'm a crass bastard, just tell yourself that I'm a sensitive soul who uses humor to cope with the crushing pain that comes with being an empathetic and compassionate human being. But if that dog won't hunt (thank you Ross Perot), then "crass bastard" will do nicely.

End Communication.

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