Putting things into perspective is potentially very hazardous to one's ego and sense of well-being. It's alternately satisfying and deeply disturbing to set down your picnic basket, have a Ring Ding, and think some big thoughts. You don't want a Ring Ding? Well fuck you, because that's all I brought with me.
Now take a moment and suck in just how tiny and insignificant is a single human life. The age of the Universe is estimated at 10 billion years or so, and the Earth is about 4.5 billion years old. Human beings have been toolin' around for about 250,000 years. I don't know about you, but I can't begin to comprehend the amount of time we're talking about. I get impatient waiting for my Hot Pocket to heat up in the microwave.
Now there's a fucking vile produce...a Hot Pocket. If I had any self-respect, I wouldn't know what it's like to heat up a Hot Pocket because I wouldn't go near them. But I digress.
Last I heard, we were approaching a population of about 7 billion people. That's the number that gets me. It's too many....knock it off. And pretty soon we'll have robots and clones to deal with. There just aren't enough parking spaces or Hot Pockets for everyone. I was surprised to learn that there is possibly as many as 100 million unnamed species on the planet; we've classified about 1.5 million of them. Naturally, most of them are single-cell creatures or insects. But there's got to be a subterranean, man-eating worm or C.H.U.D in there somewhere. Or perhaps an invisible bigfoot. This is just science, folks. Human beings are cutting down on the variation out there by wiping out about 25,000 different species a year. And if one of them is an invisible bigfoot, we'll never know. Think of it.
That's not going to help, though. The damage is done. I'm an educated man, and I'm inescapably aware of how meaningless and trite is my life. As I said earlier, this knowledge can be satisfying. I'd rather not draw from the Christian lexicon and talk about guilt, shame, judgment and omniscience. Eternal life? Feh! I don't know what the hell to do with the 70 or so years I have to spend now. Imagine playing kick-the-can with Jesus for a billion years. And that's the best possible scenario for Christians! According to them, most of us will spend eternity getting our asses kicked by some fucking thing literally designed to make us as miserable as possible. And you can forget about going to the movies or taking your significant other out for dinner. No, that's out. It's all pain and heat and teeth-gnashing and severe pitchfork pokage.
So from that perspective (and it's all about perspective), I'll take the nugatory, jejune life among the billions. And with apologies to all you theists out there, the sky-king concept just doesn't make any sense at all. Deep down you know it doesn't.
On the flip side, why can't I stop the hideous self-loathing and enjoy the time I have? It's all relative. When I get a toothache, the world may as well be ending. When I'm horny, every woman who walks by transforms into the Greatest Show on Earth. The Universe is only as big as my senses will allow it to be. Objectively, is there anything more absurd than an erection? Subjectively, however, if I have one for more than four hours I'm supposed to gear-up for a humiliating trip to the emergency room.
You can bounce back and forth between seeing yourself a tiny, worthless speck and then travel the length of the spectrum back to knowing that the world begins and ends with you and your ability to take it in. Saying "nothing matters" to yourself can be a comforting mantra, or a prelude to a leap off the John Hancock.
I'm going to get some more pretzels.
This would be a good time to plug a pet cause of mine. Please send a check or money order to the Save the Invisible Bigfoot Fund, 2100 "L" Street NW, Washington, DC 20037.
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