What Do Suri Cruise and Sam Donaldson Have In Common

Late last night I surfed into a website that has a mildly amusing article about the worst celebrity toupees. The usual suspects were rounded up; Sam Donaldson, Marv Albert, Elton John, et al. Those are certainly worthy nominations, although Marv Albert isn't really a "celebrity." I'm not sure what he is. Then again, I'm not exactly sure who you are or what I am, either. Regardless, the list did not include what has to be the clear winner of this contest. It couldn't have, given that this person didn't exist until very recently. I'm talking about Suri Cruise, the crotch-dropping of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise (what a repulsive dysphemism). The happy couple recently appeared with this thing on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine, and you can clearly see that she is wearing a rug. I don't know why she would need one, even in the vain and superficial world of show business. My guess is that they are covering her head to conceal...what? Given what we know of Tom Cruise, it could be anything. Maybe he wanted to sniff her brain, or allow her body Thetan to float out through her fontanelle (see Church of Scientology for a description of Thetans and related crackpot boobery).

But we'll probably never know for sure what's happening here. Poor kid. It really is sad, and we can only hope that Suri doesn't find daddy's lunatic rantings depressing. We know that she's more likely to play basketball with Xenu than have access to a psychiatrist. Papa Wacko would never let her take...anti-depressants! Nooooo! The scientologists' solution to depression is a large dose of vitamins, sweating out "impurities," and starring in Top Gun.

It's an ugly baby, and I hope Katie Holmes (who can't act...seriously) kicks her captor in the balls to limit Cruise's progeny to little Suri; the ugly, toupee-wearing baby with a brainwashed dad.