My Search For "Health" Advice

Those of you who know me know all about my non-functioning, one remaining ball that is soon to be removed. I talk about it frequently, as there is an undeniable psychological impact that goes along with being ball-less. And minor surgery is just something that one is inclined to be concerned about. This will be the fourth time I've had surgery and at least the 20th time I've been anesthetized for a medical procedure (there were about 15 ECT sessions). Whenever I feel inclined to complain, I think about a young lady I know out in California who had a heart/lung transplant at age 19. It's all about perspective.

That said, aspects of this do amuse me, though. I'm supposed to take a fertility test to see if I am producing any viable sperm. I was told in my early twenties that that is impossible, but the doc just wants to make sure. Therefore, I have to go to a clinic and jerk-off into a cup. It's humiliating for some reason, even though I know everyone does it. You're probably doing it right now. But I get a little embarrassed when the nurse hands me a cup to collect urine. On the plus side, I'm looking forward to basking in the surreal experience of being encouraged to enjoy poronography in a clinic.

But I would never do this if I didn't have to do it. I'm in a modicum of pain that won't go away until the surgery. And he won't do the surgery if I don't do this. He's not going to do any tests, he just wants me to do it. OK, I'm kidding.

The email below was sent to the "Toys-in-Babeland" sex advice column. Toys in Babeland sells vibrators, butt plugs, sleeves, dolls, books, DVD's and just about anything having to do with sex. It is owned by a lesbian couple, and they do a fabulous job. When a woman owns a sex toy store, it's fun and genuine. People are encouraged to ditch shame and have a good time. When a man owns a sex toy shop, the atmosphere is usually very different. People alternately giggle and feel ashamed of what they are doing, like ripping a fart in a gun store.

Anyway, the letter below was actually sent to provide amusement to them and myself. I'll let you know when I get a response.

"Hello, and thank you in advance. This will be the second time I've gone to you for help. I also once purchased a Hummingbird vibrator for my girlfriend on your advice. It was a hit, she came so hard I was a little afraid of her.

My question is about my having to go to a fertility clinic and leave a sperm sample. Masturbation isn't a problem for me, it's actually my favorite pastime next to World of Warcraft. Sometimes I do them at the same time. Those elves are real teases. Anyway, I'm afraid that I'll be unable to come when I'm in a clinic, with a group of medical professionals outside waiting for me to do it. It may turn me on, but it may not. And lately I've had the terrible misfortune of having Dennis Hastert appear in my masturbation fantasies. Any thought of Republicans in general renders me anorgasmic and limp, but Hastert is particularly unattractive. At first, I'm fine. I think of the women I've been with, both in relationships and "one-night" stands. And then I invite Scarlett Johannsen and a young Rita Hayworth into the mix. Then there is a pleasant amalgam of every girl I saw on the subway or in public. I want them all, really.

And then "Bap!" there is Senator fucking Hastert, with his ill-fitting suit and triple chin and douchebag politics. If I'm lucky, I can get him to morph into Brad Pitt from Fight Club, but what if I can't next week? It's so absurd. I've been masturbating since I realized I could. When I was 19, I did it twelve times in one day. Ah, 19...what a fine age.

Do you have any recommendations on how to get an unappealing party crasher out of my head?

Signed,
Ball-less In Boston"