Gray, Loose and Deserved

Gaping maw of a grisly ghost gnawing on my skull and searing my heart with white-hot talons of steel. A garden below my window contains a cage of my own design. A song makes its way down my back and a filthy blade is held in my hand. A lock within a lock that will not open. A horse that will not settle into the barn. Rain that falls in all the wrong places and a dial tone after the most meaningful conversation of my life, but I still hold the phone in my hand. Blood trickles down my wrist, then my hand. Finally, a drop breaks free and a small red flower blooms on the dirty white floor. And in my hand semen, warm from having produced it mere seconds ago. I am repulsed. It get's wiped on a piece of toilet paper and, in a moment of crude loathing and vandalism, is pressed onto the stall wall and smeared.

I open my eyes slowly and feel the cold, white porcelain of the toilet pressing against my scrotum and upper thighs. The relatively comfortable plastic seat is broken off. More blood is on my legs now, from the same wound. Some spotting on the toilet and floor, as if I were having a heavy period. I stop a minute and think that I wish I were a woman. The thought passes as my stomach turns and twists into a knot, and my flank twitches as I deposit a small pile of wet shit on a part of the toilet where the water doesn't reach. The smell is horrible.

I'm sweating profusely now.

And the blood keeps on coming, so much that it is creating a puddle that is drawn to a recessed drain at the center of the floor. I feel something inside me and press down hard. The result is more piss and shit. I flush the toilet and wipe myself. Soon, I find it hard to be comfortable. I'm getting weak, so I lean on the wall. There is writing there, about politics and teenage love and hate, I leave a bloody noseprint on the beige tile, which is greasy. Suddenly, I stand and pull up my pants. A ball of underwear is in the corner of the stall, which contains my own shit from my "accident." My mind is having a hard time with the world after so much to drink; beer, whiskey, wine, shots of vodka. The razor in my hand takes another slash, and I smile as it finds purchase on my skin, across my stomach. I climb down onto the floor and curl up in a puddle of unknown origin and quantity; probably piss. A used condom is one foot from my face and I don't care.

Forever I am there. I am timeless. At some point, however, the door is voilently kicked in. I barely notice. A world revealed for him, but I have been invaded. I can't see anything as I try and fail to get up. With shocking violence, I am pressed into a filthy puddle, my pants now around my ankles. I can make out a shape, the shape of a person. I hear a man's voice over me, from behind. The floor tile is broken beneath my face and it smells of vomit. I begin to drift off when I feel a jarring motion, a stabbing pain. Then another. Someone is on top of my behind. I'm very drunk, but I feel a hard cock moving inside my ass cheeks. I approach passing out, despite knowing what is about to happen. The stranger thrusts and finds his target. My anus feels torn and a small, hard cock enters me painfully. I'm too out of it to know enough to care. I can feel his thrusts as he pushes my head down into the dirt and grime. My legs flail, and catch a cool breeze coming in from outside. I hear someone moaning and spitting under his breath, then nothing. I pass out.

A minute or a day later, I come to. Before me is a condom, used and a little bloody. I close my eyes for a much needed nap.