A cold breeze that smells of rain just moved under the blind, over the bed, past the cat and down across the floor, around my naked feet. Pure bliss at the House of Four Cats. These have been some happy days of late. For some time now, I've been in love with Linda, and she's grown to mean quite a great deal to me. I know what love looks like, and the joy and pain that seems to insist on traveling with it. The oldest stories in the oldest books are about this thing that is very much a living part of my life right now. I have to reconcile two distinctly different aspects of my personality. Something like this...
I'm an existential nihilist and an atheist who believes in class struggle. I'm a Socialist in a world without very many socialists. I don't believe in life everlasting, no heaven, only nothingness after death. But I do believe that, through rational thought and compassion, we might be able to create a better world here on the physical plane. I'm suicidal every day. I used to cut my wrists and once poured muriatic acid onto a cut in my foot. I absolutely despise myself in every way, which is disconcerting and terrifying sometimes. I'm in a waiting room, waiting to die of something. Waiting for it to do the right thing, or the kind thing, and end already.
The other aspect is that I'm an romantic who sees value in whatever is all this. Life is bleak and painful, but it can be made better, even beautiful, if you consider the Muse and take in the scenery. And there is so much beauty in the world, even the death and horror is beautiful in a sad way. I love people, the lies, the way we pursue each other, all of it. My dreadful, horrific fear of social interaction, humiliation, and eventually to be feasted upon out there in the Fens. And when this romantic fool sees a woman like Linda Noble, he finds his whole self motioning as if to speak, seeking her attention, wooing her, holding her and loving her. Those moments with her are priceless and limited in supply. Her by my side in bed, watching a movie, cuddling and fooling around. We try to make each other laugh and we're good at it. She is my confidante, and I will do anything to protect her. I do so love her.
But I'm a grotesque mess. My mind is so flawed, so weak, so pathetic. Oh, mercy.