It's been awhile since I posted on my quaint little 'blog. Or this one. The past week has been, for me, rather busy. Last week I helped my brother and his wife open up their store, Go Fetch Pet Supplies, and after that I bolted out to see my beloved; I just got back last night. Linda sometimes has difficulty persuading me to "be social," as I'm perfectly content to be with her and her alone forever. Well, not just her, but my brother and my circle of friends and comrades. Outside of that, I'm also of a mind to be totally alone for long periods of time. I'm so much more comfortable alone, reading and listening to music or watching Double Indemnity for the 100th time. In this godless universe, when I'm alone and there are no strange eyes taking me in, I can relax a bit more than I could possibly otherwise. And that brings a modicum of relief from the paranoia and anxiety that, I'll say yet again, really disturbs and troubles me. Thus, if it weren't for those who love me working so hard to drag me out into the world, I'd no doubt wither in this little flat. So Linda's affable, social nature is exactly what I need to avoid turning into a hermit, or worse, and disappearing into my own mind. One of the many reasons that I love her.
But why would I want to spend so much time alone with by brain, which is clearly not functioning properly? Not to mention a source of vexation, annoyance and crushing depression and mania? I have an answer for that...perhaps for another time. Something to look forward to! Also, later today I'm going to write something about atheism, because the woman I love said something yesterday that really surprised me. She's a theist, and her family is very religious. Naturally, I'm an atheist, and I didn't become one lightly. It was a long process from believing in god (or something), then at age 9 I remember having anxiety attacks and vomiting because I started to think that there was no god. A few years later, I was a full-blown atheist. I take my atheism seriously...again, I'll kick that around later.
The conversation with Linda, and her surprising response, was about morality, compassion and some kind of god, or "sky king" as I called it. I simply asked if she thought it was necessary to believe in god in order to be a good person. She said, "I'm not sure." I felt my stomach clench tight and a wave of warm, tingling anxiety spread within my chest. Like a bat taking flight in the small cave that also contains my heart. I didn't want to tell her then, but not only do I not believe in god, but if a Christian god did exist, I would hate Him. I refer you all to B.F. Skinner's "Problem of Evil" if you're interested in knowing why. Although that shouldn't be hard to figure out, either.
But as it is right now, I don't hate god because I know that there isn't one. I'm also a compassionate person. If I thought for a second that I wasn't, I would slit my wrists. Compassion and reason are needed in bulk if we're going to survive against fanatics of any kind, and the unscrupulously ambitious. There is nothing more dangerous than someone who puts their beliefs before simple kindness, to help each other get through life as happily, or even just as painlessly, as possible. And life can be unspeakably, seemingly impossibly, agonizing. Life can continue even when pain becomes crippling. It does all the time, physically and emotionally. Imagine all the mothers out there who lost a child, or children who lost parents, and the physical and emotional agony, and the sadness and horror that travels with it. I could go on. Not to mention the loneliness that is fundamental to living. And the more you struggle, the more alone you are, and the more you reach out. As far as I can see, nobility comes from helping each other survive comfortably past all that and feel less alone.
So I have to convince my girlfriend that it is possible to be good and not believe in god. In case you're wondering, she thinks I'm a good person (I'm not, but I try, I really do) who is in denial about god. Deep down, she thinks I believe. I love her like no other, but she is wrong.
Again, more on that later.
I think I've said enough for now. Shalom!