It has been a fine week for me, and I'd like to write a little bit about why. Something is happening right now, though, emotionally and intellectually that is of some concern. I've spoken with several friends in the last couple of hours, as well as my brother. My father and I had a fun conversation about politics and movies (Fellini and the "War on Christmas"). The House of Four Cats is full of cats and people, including a stray cat that is now being treated like royalty.
All is well. But for some reason I was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to apologize to everyone in my life. Suddenly I just starting weeping, my heart was pounding and my breathing was uncomfortable and tight. That is my chest was tight. So I apologized to Ken first, emphatically, desperately seeking a comforting word. This is what he said:
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.
Then I moved on to Linda, Jenifer, my brother Kent, and people I haven't seen in years. In my mind, I poured over everything...I felt that I did something horrific, just terrible. I say this in the past tense because I'm getting better now. But these anxiety attacks, that travel with a heavy dose of guilt, really make me angry. If only I could be a psychopath and be free of a conscience. That would be so sweet.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry everyone. I'm doing the best I can with that I have. If I could be more, do more, offer more, I would.
What a boring entry. This is what I'm doing, though, it's where I'm at mentally. It's withering.