Friday, December 21, 2007

Scarecrow

It has been a fine week for me, and I'd like to write a little bit about why. Something is happening right now, though, emotionally and intellectually that is of some concern. I've spoken with several friends in the last couple of hours, as well as my brother. My father and I had a fun conversation about politics and movies (Fellini and the "War on Christmas"). The House of Four Cats is full of cats and people, including a stray cat that is now being treated like royalty.

All is well. But for some reason I was suddenly overwhelmed by a need to apologize to everyone in my life. Suddenly I just starting weeping, my heart was pounding and my breathing was uncomfortable and tight. That is my chest was tight. So I apologized to Ken first, emphatically, desperately seeking a comforting word. This is what he said:

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for.

Then I moved on to Linda, Jenifer, my brother Kent, and people I haven't seen in years. In my mind, I poured over everything...I felt that I did something horrific, just terrible. I say this in the past tense because I'm getting better now. But these anxiety attacks, that travel with a heavy dose of guilt, really make me angry. If only I could be a psychopath and be free of a conscience. That would be so sweet.

For what it's worth, I'm sorry everyone. I'm doing the best I can with that I have. If I could be more, do more, offer more, I would.

What a boring entry. This is what I'm doing, though, it's where I'm at mentally. It's withering.


2 comments:

Chica. said...

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now. I have felt what you're feeling. It's like the world is going to fall apart under your feet.

Once you find you're on solid ground you'll remember how very many people love you...just exactly as you are.

Linda said...

I, too, have felt those feelings. I have struggled, as well. You feel like when people help you, you're wondering why they do. And, when people tell you how wonderful you are, you either don't believe them, or think they're just saying that to make you feel better.
However.... I'm learning that when people say nice things to you, they mean it. They're not trying to do anything to you..They just say nice things because that's how you make them feel, unbelievable as it may be!! l.o.l.
So, Darren, my sweet. You have nothing to apologize for. You're smart, witty, funny as hell, a good friend, and lover. And, you care about your family, your animal friends, and other people's animal friends, like Roxie.
Be confident that there's a reason people love you, even though you may have no idea why.
love,
me