Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The Music Of Chance

If I believed in marriage, I would marry my girlfriend. As it is, I'm content to enjoy being in love and spending as much time with her as possible. Methinks that that is the best treatment I'm going to find for my illness. Being in love can easily destroy you, and I'm a rather emotional person even though I aspire to a reasonable, balanced disposition. Right now, at this very moment, my tooth is raging in my head. A premolar, on the left side, and it's been like that for three days now. I mentioned it only once to my beloved Linda, who then expressed amazement that I went two days with her and only complained once about the aching abscess. That made me feel good, to know that I'm strong regarding physical pain, given how much I talk about being crazy.

And that sort of speaks to my dilemma. I'm endlessly trying to out maneuver my mind to achieve a desired result. And because I spend so much time working with my lunacy I'm afraid that I talk about it too much. Complain, even. But I'm sincere when I say that I feel like I've been lucky in life. Life isn't easy even when it's going as well as it possibly can. I guess my point is just that I'm neurotic and frequently of a mind to engage in self-examination. Like a pathologist might examine a tumor or a painter a canvas.

And what better way to express my opinion that I'm living a life of good fortune than to say that I'm in love with a woman who loves me back. I'm still a man who is generally most comfortable alone, and she is more social than I, but that is also a good thing. My brother, my friends, and my beloved all work together to keep me from doing what is in my nature to do, but what is also self-destructive; to seek out solitude to excess. There is logic at work here, given that so much pain is connected to paranoia and anxiety. Obviously, I'm going to try and scurry away from the spark that touches off the mythical phlogiston; human contact. And I'm certain that the bulk of my life will be spent in self-imposed isolation. But Linda, and to a lesser degree others, save me from sequestration to a degree that would harm my psyche.

I'll endure the electric nerve without complaint so long as happy chance finds me in love and with good friends and family. And, of course, away from all the douchebags out there.

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