Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Good Day

The correct medication, a balanced chemistry and/or unknown cosmic, environmental influences created a mental environment conducive to happiness and the enjoyment of a comfortable, subtle mind. This happened today. So I was allowed to go to my eye exam without any social phobia or self-loathing and crippling anxiety (they travel together frequently). My disposition towards the clinical staff was upbeat, relaxed and sunny. I was affable. I was gregarious. I wasn't myself.

In my youth as a Young Person's Socialist League member, and political activist, I had a lot of days like that. The excrement hit the air conditioning around age 27, and things went south fast. Without medical assistance I would have succeeded in offing myself.

Part of the story is that I fell deeply in love with a beautiful Czech girl named, "Linda." She was pure magic to me; exotic, brainy, adorable, sexy as hell and with many wonderful quirks. She smoked Gallois cigarettes and kicked my ass in Chess. I fell in love, she didn't, and then part of you dies slowly over the following months. They say that people like myself, with severe mental illness, usually develop their problems in the mid to late 20's, sometimes in the teens. A stressrul relationship or death in the family can trigger "clearly discernible manifestations of mental illness." By age 40, if you make it, you've probably developed some strategies to overcome the illness.

For whatever reason, I felt good today. There were no voices telling me to kill myself, or repeating every bad thing I've done over and over in my head, causing painful muscle spasms in my abdomen and severe anxiety. I felt normal, just even with no racing thoughts tearing at me. Not euphoric, like with Vicodin, but just of an even and reasonable mind that is not preoccupied with suicide and self-hatred. It seems unfair that they come by so rarely, maybe twice a month if I'm lucky. I'm doing everything I can, but some things remain well out of my control. I'd make an appeal to the forces that govern them, but I don't think they'd listen.

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