Down On The Farm

Good day to you all. This morning finds me using my girlfriend's laptop (if you know what I mean, wink wink) in the parlour of my flat. I like to talk and write like that, to use words like "flat" and "parlour," as it makes me feel like I'm in an episode of Ms. Marple or Poirot. I'm not sure why I want to be in an episode of Ms. Marple or Poirot...actually, I don't. Except maybe to say something really ribald, or accuse Poirot of farting.

J'accuse!

Along those lines, I feel compelled to mention my newly-formed dislike of National Public Radio. You know, Fresh Air and All Things Considered. I'm not sure how this happened, but it did. I was driving around the day before yesterday (yesterday had me hiding in the closet and humming "Old Man River" to avoid hearing McCain's speech about Social Security. I turned it off the television, but I knew it was still out there, floating around the airwaves and being stupid) and I had NPR on the radio. I can't put a finger on it, or a baseball bat, but something about the super subtle, ultra safe "analysis" of the issues had me changing the station and listening to chamber music. Listening to chamber music is like listening to a metronome...very soothing.

My theory is that NPR bothers me because it is enveloped in self-congratulation over being so intellectual. It screams, "This is what smart people listen to!" Everyone speaks in soft tones and laughs at sort-of-smart-but-definitely-not-funny "jokes" between the on air personalities. Many of my friends are NPR listeners, and I'm afraid to tell them how much I've grown to hate it for fear of being seen as a pop culture loving boob. Hey, I despise popular culture, but at least "American Idol" and "Eat Poop" are both shows that know they are of no intellectual consequence. I don't watch either, and "Eat Poop" doesn't even exist, but you get the idea. Pop culture is the mob, and I do appreciate the spectacle because on some level I do like the human race. NPR seems like a hideout for people who haven't yet been told by smart people that it's OK to like this or that. In that ironic sense, nobody is more judgemental of what you watch and listen to than an NPR fan. They analyze the shit out of every popular trend, and then judge (usually by implication) the value of it.

When I listen to NPR I think of the "fops" that have appeared on at least a couple of episodes of The Simpsons.

If you don't understand of what I speak, ask an NPR listener what he or she thinks of "Lost." The response will be something like, "I don't own a television," or "What's that?" when they know exactly what it is. Or my personal favorite, "I only watch Ms. Marple, Poirot and History's Mysteries." That last one is a real quote. You know who you are, Clare.

It's strange, because I used to listen quite a lot. I appreciate the value of talking to an expert on South American tribal art in a discussion about inner city "tagging" and vandalism by youth gangs. In the abstract, I can also enjoy a discussion about the possible connection between food dye and hyperactivity in children. But I'd much rather read about it than listen to the horrific banter on NPR. "Our kids are dying for a break from dangerous food dyes." Oh, shoot me.

One more thing. On NPR, don't call in to a show unless you are going for your Master's, or are willing to lie about doing so. A person with a Bachelor's degree is treated like a felt-stroking village idiot. A high school graduate will be talked about like he or she isn't even in the room. These people give scholars and intellectuals a bad name.

Anyway, enough of that. Time to justify the title of this entry, "Down On The Farm." I get emails from an organization called "We Hate Gay People." Or it may as well be named that. Actually, it's called Americans for Truth. Ha! These sister-fucking, back woods nimrods released a video that you have to see. Consider it a parting moment of Zen. Enjoy!

Down on the anti-gay farm.