Of Sports, Sex and Pink Floyd

I've lost my girlfriend for the afternoon, to the National Football League. For my European friends, that's not soccer. In the US, "football" refers to a game that rarely involves the use of feet. They could have called it "noseball" and only been slightly off.

Soccer, of course, is all feet, all the time. That's why they call it "football" over there. We call soccer "boring" over here, but we have feet of clay on that one. If you've ever sat through a 5 hour baseball game (or more), you know of what I speak. Part of me despises all sports, as they remind me of gym class, particularly in middle and high school. I enjoyed all my other classes, even math, but I just skipped gym a lot.

One time, my "physical education" teacher asked me, "Why don't you ever come to class?" I didn't say anything of consequence, but my weight should have been a clue. But if gym teachers could think properly they'd be teaching something else. Anything else. If I could answer him today, I'd say, "Because I'm grossly overweight, which makes it hard to engage in your nonsense, and also makes my body look like the Michelin man, thus making cruel jibes & group showers another compelling reason to skip. You got that, Jumping Jack?"

The patina of my angst lingers today. Linda, the woman whose heart I made a nest within, loves football, especially the Patriots, of course. No problem. I can reconcile her enjoyment of an absurdly stupid sport with no redeeming aspects whatsoever with my love, via respect. There is more to love than finding a clone of yourself. I definitely do not want that, friends and neighbors. She puts up with my occasional enjoyment of Red Sox baseball, Socialist rants, insanity, and small pecker sans balls. In turn, she can watch football, House, engage in rampant cell phone use (she answers the phone during sex) and watch Days of Our Lives on her day off.

Believe me, I got the better deal. And she doesn't like NASCAR, thankfully. Whew.

Sometimes I feel compelled to shop for a strange sport that may appeal. Like AC, who is a Sumo wrestling fan. It looks like an interesting spectacle. But it never works out. The interest just isn't there...I'm not a sports guy. The only "sport" that has me watching in genuine admiration is marathon running. My friend Adam is a very adept runner, and a thoughtful intellectual. Great abs, too.

Adam, you are one sexy bastard.

Tennis is fun. Kickball is also fun, but who plays that but kids. When I was 10 we played "Trog" in our neighborhood, which was based on the Creature Double Feature "classic" of the same name. It was basically a cross between tag and hide-and-seek, with bad acting mixed in.

At 14, I discovered sex and any chance I had at pursuing a hobby (other than boning) with zeal went out the window. My "sport" became trying to convince girls to touch my willy. Fucking is a good sport. It burns calories, you don't have to go near men, and you never have to worry about being motivated.

That's why I thought that women's beach volleyball was so magnificent when I first discovered it. But that didn't work out, either, unless Linda was around to help me sate my base sexual desire. Oh, yeah.

So that's my thing about sports.

PS-To everyone who took a moment to tell me how much they liked my video posts, thank you. It means a lot to me, seriously, when someone says I'm funny or clever. It may be pathetic that I need that, and I suppose I don't need it, but I do enjoy it. Thanks GSP, AC, Eve, Linda, all of you.

Bye the way, AC, I'm getting into Pink Floyd and if you have any thoughts as a fan, let me know.