Thursday, February 26, 2009

Where to Store Your Oscar

My dentist asked me to "stop by" at 8am this morning. I can happily report that the xylocaine works. Beyond that, I'm having suicidal thoughts and am a bit emotional, at least for someone who isn't a pregnant woman. While this is going on, the Price is Right is on the gigglebox. It's so interesting how they use sex to sell everything; a trip to St. Louis, a new car, Ex-Lax, whatever. No matter what it is, a very attractive woman is slinking around, smiling broadly, showing at least as many teeth as a healthy adult should have. Probably more. Sometimes the "showcase" involves a sailboat or trip to Aruba, something water related. Sure enough, a bikini-clad model shows up to entice.

As a side note, that picture of Bob and the "Barker Beauties" is now my wallpaper. On my computer.

They are successful in arousing my interest, but not in sailing. Yeah, that's right, they make me a bit horny. And it's not because I'm especially attracted to overly-coiffed Barbie dolls. I find Arwa Damon, CNN's Iraq/Middle East correspondant, far more pleasing to the eye and mind. Whenever she is reporting, free of makeup and seemingly incapable of small talk (with the anchor), I can't help but wonder what she is like in private life. That she is half-Syrian must give her some street cred over there. No matter how complex the situation, Damon breaks it down like a mutha-fucker. And any reporter who covers the Middle East needs to be melancholy, precise and dead serious. Very sexy, but I also wonder if she ever laughs.

The Academy Awards were a feast for the eyes. Men and women of every age, color, size and shape were at least trying to be sexy. And truth be told, there weren't many fat people around, except Al Gore. One of my favorite actresses Kate Winslet was there with one naked shoulder, in a dress that fashion "experts" mocked. The funny thing about the fashion world is that most people in it look as if they were dressed by a retarded, gay man-child. Or perhaps an ape, or a retarded, gay ape-child.

Angelina Jolie tried to look sexy, and pulled it off. Her alabaster boobs were just popping out of her black dress. Like a photo finish in a zeppelin race. Brad Pitt was as cute as a button (I'm so witty). They must look just fantastic when they're fucking. Then again, they probably look great taking a shit or making a bologna sandwich.

Attractive movie stars have to fuck each other; Angelina's vagina would kill most mortals. If a hot movie star screwed me, he or she would never let me forget it. Ever. No matter what we argue about, it would always end with something like, "You're lucky I even go near you, Fattie." You can't have a relationship with someone who treats you like a worshipper. Even a casual fuck-fest type of relationship. Not only that, but there is a package deal. If you boink Angelina, you have to commit to being "dad" to 28 African and Asian toddlers.

Even Mickey Rourke looked good to me. Although methinks it would be more fun drinking with him, or smoking, than screwing. But my standards are different for men than women. Just about all women are attractive to me, except Ann Coulter (gender unclear, though) and the woman who works at the local library. Men, however, are a harder sell. That said, I wouldn't mind a George Clooney/Kate Winslet sandwich. I have the perfect line for Clooney, too. He works with the UN in trying to get attention on Darfur. "Hey, George, I have a starving refuge in my pants. He's very short."

Sometimes I wonder what Oscar sex is like. Imagine you're sexy, in shape, beautiful, adored, half-naked (most of the women, anyway) and you've just won an Academy Award. I imagine it as really...energetic. And Hell knows what naughty things are done with the golden phallus. You just know someone in the history of the award took that Oscar and crammed it up his ass.

Warren Beatty? Elizabeth Taylor? Mr. Bean? The mind boggles.

One last thing about the Oscars. Joan Rivers, you need to give up the ghost. It's time to die. Go into the light. Take Jerry Lewis and Michael Bay with you.

That's all I got right now. I should say that I love my Linda. She is one fine woman. Sexy as hell, an romantic disposition, adventurous (nudist colony!) and the best thing that every happened to me.


Anonymous said...

OK, i have to admit, that was fucking hilarious

Apocalypse Cow said...

1)The "barker's beauties" are about attractive to me as a sleestack is.

2)Angelina Jolie is not attractive to me either, at least not as attractive as many make her out to be. I find her to appear to be descended of a bobblehead.

3)Kate Winslet is indeed classically beautiful, and looked good on Sunday, but I feel she looks better with a little more weight on her, a la Whatsherface Squintynose...Renee Zelwegger.

4)It is without doubt someone has used an oscar as an artificial phallus. Why do you think they gave him a bald head?

5)Oscar sex must be very powerful indeed. Unless you're Phillip Seymour Hoffman.(or Seymour Phillip Hoffman, for the presenter on Sunday)

6)that said, Oscar sex pales in comparison to Olympic Village sex. Top athletes who are literally peak physical condition, all living together, often with nothing to do for up to 2 weeks after their event is over, and pent up from years of struggle and training? Oh you know there's a LOT of fluid swapping going on there. I'm sure the #1 phrase looked up by Olympic Athletes is "Sure, I'll respect you in the morning."

7)As a Frenchman, or Frog, if you will, I can not disparage Mr. Lewis. He looked like the Grim reaper was going to escort him off the stage, but hell, I'll be gone long before I'm his age(82) so who am I to judge.

8)Speaking of escorts, did you see the "trophy girls"(pun intended) that escorted winners off the stage? All were 6' plus. I don't know what qualifies them for that position, or where they come from or go to afterwards, but I contested that they were on loan from that bald headed bastard Howie Mandel, and "Deal or No Deal".

Darren W. Lyle said...

1. I agree. They represent "sex" but the do freak me out a bit.

2. I think Jolie is very hot, but I made that clear.

3. Winslet looked great to me. I don't seem to notice her fluctuating weight.

4. Yes, no doubt.

5. I'm sure Hoffman tried.

6. This reminds me of the Olympic Village discussion during the last Olympics. Olympic athletes also have no make up to smear.

7. Lewis just scares me. Both Emmanuel and Jerry.

8. You're probably right that they got these giants on loan from the Mandel Stable.

Xboxkent said...

Cow guy is crazy, Winslet is the thickest she has been in years.

Barker girls are hot and so is Angelina.

Linda said...

Okay,now from a woman's point of view: Angelina Jolie is gorgeous. Her dress was stunning, and she carried herself like a queen. She was elegant and graceful. I'm attracted to her.. so I can't understand why some men aren't.
Brad Pitt, equally gorgeous. He can point that statuette at me any time.
I also loved Jennifer Aniston's dress. She looked so happy.. Also, Miley Cyrus and Penelope Cruz.
As for Kate Winslet.... I don't get it. She is beautiful, I guess, but "classic?" A great artist, however.
Men? Always, always always look better in a tux. Doesn't have to be black, but they just dress up so nice. Halley Berry could wear a burlap bag, but Jamie Foxx? Not sure.
Anyway. The Oscars are always a lot of fun, something for everyone. Till next years...