Sunday Missing a Friend

I haven't much to say today. My oldest friend has my attention today. Her name is "Chloe" and she lives up in Maine, not too far away. She's funny, fairly smart and I found her a joy to be around. We used to date, and were a couple for awhile. I don't miss that time together. After she found herself and committed to another woman, I was very happy for her.

She and I knew each other for about a decade, making her my oldest and best friend, until Linda came along. But Chloe was still my friend, a young lady who knew me very well. Time was I could make her laugh.

For reasons that I've chosen not to share, Chloe and I have parted ways totally and completely. We rarely saw each other, anyway, which should make it easier. It doesn't, though, because she just didn't want me in her life anymore, even as we saw each other so rarely. Spoke and wrote rarely, too, over the past year.

So I'm spending my Sunday driving myself crazy looking for answers. Nothing feels right today, and this morning had me crying for over an hour. I'm a little strange, but I'm kind and would never hurt anyone. What am I doing wrong amongst people? I'm bad at small talk, but I give good advice and listen when people ask for it. I've also been known to make people laugh.

That should be good enough for a friend. But I'm also loyal.

It's as if I'm sub-human, a freak. The day will come when I'm going to put a gun in my mouth and none of this will matter. Right now, though, I'm just in pain. Nothing anyone can do.