Tuesday, June 09, 2009

What If They Gave A Bris And Nobody Came?

Every nation on Earth that maintains a military more powerful than a child with an air gun needs to have this engraved on every last war memorial:
We are not afraid to use violence to defend ourselves, and will only ask our young men and women to take to the field of battle if every other option has been tried and tried again. The queers can stay home, though, for reasons we can't explain right now. Just trust us, you don't want your gay comrade masturbating in his bunk with a picture of your father, do you? We didn't think so. If you do, don't say a word to anyone. Just a bit of advice for you soldiers.

We will always maintain diplomacy and communication with the leaders of the other nations of this planet in the hopes that even one war can be averted. That said, nasty words about Israel will not be tolerated. Something affable is OK, like a mild Jewish joke or a Seinfeld Roast. Anything more than that and you're an anti-Semite and may be bombed.
If we avoid just one war through scrupulous assessment and self-reflection perhaps all will fall away and this kind of horrific violence on an international scale will become just another barbaric thing humans used to do, like smoking in a hospital, critical thinking and flag-pole sitting. A world of peace, that is all most of us want. Those of you who want war, especially in the abstract, concern that rest of us. They have medication for you now.

There you have it. They can put in on the money, as well.

There's a Jewish mother on a beach with her young son, who is swimming a bit too far out into the sea. The son panics and calls for help, and a lifeguard springs into action. As the concerned mother looks on, the lifeguard fights the swells and white-caps to reach the young man, and drag him back with great effort. On the beach, the child is temporarily lifeless, but the lifeguard turns him over and drains his lungs, and follows that with CPR. The mother is speechless and horrified. Moments later, sputtering water, the kid starts taking deep breaths.

"Oh, thank you! Thank you for saving my boy!" says the woman. They all pause a moment to take in what just happened. Finally, the mother breaks the silence.

"He had a hat."

That's the kind of mild Jewish joke that is acceptable. I even told that one to my Jewish doctor, but he knew it.

1 comment:

Apocalypse Cow said...

There was an Israeli man who was late for Temple one weekend, and when he got there, the rabbi asked him why, and he said "Oh, I had to make a detour to kill 100 Palestinians." The rabbi said "Oh, thats okay."