Name Your Fear

My left arm is starting to ache, from the flu shot lovingly administered earlier today. The flu isn't really something I worry about, so I tried to say, "no." They would have none of it, and I was overcome with a vague fear of getting beaten up if I kept refusing to get it. An image of my twisted, mangled body came to mind, so I got it. Happy day.

Then the examination. The cold, rubbery hand of my physician poked at my flabby body. It roamed between my legs and checked for lumpiness. He's done that for years, since they took Earl and Rodney (my shriveled testicles) because they were probably going to develop cancer. Removing a testicle is tricky, so don't ever try to do it at home.

We joked about life and death, he told me to get blood labs done, and that was pretty much that. "You look really good." He said. "Well, so long as I look good." was my response.

When I was a kid, shots and blood drawing terrified me. Now, it doesn't bother me in the least. Every three weeks I have to give myself a testosterone shot in the ass, and every month b12 in the arm. As a child, little did I know that Santa would die when I grew up, and that life would show me many, many others things to keep me up at night, grinding my teeth. Here are my top five fears:

5. An ex showing up and claiming that I got her pregnant. Obviously, before Earl and Rodney shriveled and had to be taken out. One of my great comforts in life is knowing that no children rely on me for support. Lord have mercy!

4. A bug in my food, particularly a cockroach. Years ago, my flat was infested with roaches, and it was a traumatic experience for me. If I look down and see a bug in my Grape Nuts, I can't be held responsible for me subsequent actions. Which would most likely include screaming like a little girl, running out of my flat, waving my arms, dancing, and wailing like Glenn Beck.

3. "Locked-In Syndrome." A condition where you can no longer move your body, but can feel pain. This famously happened to French journalist Jean-Dominique Bauby. He wrote The Butterfly and the Diving Bell by communicating with his left eyelid, sort of like blinking in Morse code. It's a very rare neurological condition, thank Christ, but I live in fear of it happening to me. People have trouble putting up with me when I'm ambulatory. Who would wipe my ass? That brings me to...

2. Shitting my pants in public, particularly on a date. How humiliating can you get? No matter how charming and sexy one feels, a dropped load will immediately put an end to that. When I have a grand mal seizure (every 6 months or so), this doesn't happen, and that pleases me. The flopping and twitching I can live with, but not a shit grenade in my pants. Oh, Heaven's not that.

1. Heights. A common fear, but I keep thinking that I have this problem beaten. Every so often I'll get on a Ferris wheel or stand next to the edge of a tall house or building. Big mistake. Rubbery legs and tummy butterflies ensue. Oddly, it's not a fear of death...I don't know what the hell it is. And as everyone knows, carnies are not a well-adjusted lot. Tell them to let you off the roller coaster or Ferris wheel and they will laugh their little asses off. It's all they have, really.

What fears do you have, dear readers? A lot of people say, "clowns" but I can't really believe that. Don't get me wrong, clowns suck, but do people really fear them? And my friend Apocalypse Cow is terrified of horses, which I get. They can kick your head clean off.

Tell me what you fear!