Friday, December 24, 2010

Your Creamy, Fragrant Personality

French cheeses. You may not know this, or you may, but an analysis of your taste in moldy, salty, sticky, hard and soft expensive French cheeses can be very revealing. Personality and intelligence tests are all over the Internet, and with varying degrees of success they provide an objective assessment of who you are, really. These personality assessments are generally inaccurate. One has to turn to fromage to really unravel the mysteries of the eating and pooping machine that is you. Or rather, cut the rind off the fermier clacbitou of your mind and reveal the fragrant curd within. The funk of your personality.

Or something.

This unconventional method of assessing personality types, which can also predict the possibility of mental illness, was born in a humble cheese shop, Fromagerie Laurent Dubois, at 2 Rue de Tourmel in Paris. It was there that the proprieter, Monsieur Jean-Luc Sebastian, had an epiphany. While listening to an American tourist complain about the aroma of a Pont l'Eveque soft cheese, Jean-Luc thought to himself, "What a jerk, he's got all the personality of Roquefort!" It amused him to note the parallels. The cheese and the man smelled terrible, each could cause a listeria infection, both are nutty, have a pale, bumpy complexion, and both could compel a pregnant a woman to miscarry (Roquefort was banned in New Zealand and Australia for this fetal risk). The cheese and the man were both repulsive. Remarquable!

If not for a chance meeting with a world-renowned psychiatrist, Dr. Jean-Claude Antieri, this discovery would have led to nothing. According to Antieri, they met at the La Motte-Picquet-Grenelle Metro Station near Monsieur Sebastian's Fromagerie. In a recent interview with both Antieri and Sebastian, the cover story of In Cheese Times, Antieri recalls, "I was sitting just inside the doors of the first car when Jean-Luc entered the train. It was crowded, so he couldn't sit down. Instead, he stood right in front of me, holding the strap." It was then that the cheese hit the fan, so to speak. "A horrible smell filled the Metro car, and it was clearly coming from Jean-Luc." This irritated Dr. Antieri, who quipped,"What did you do, shit yourself? You should change that diaper, you rotten conichon!"This led to a rather nasty kerfuffle. When Jean-Luc shoved a copy of La Monde up Dr. Antieri's nose, the fight was over. The 39 year old cheese-maker had the muscles of a man who lifted big balls of cheese his whole life. It also helped that Dr. Antieri was 89 years old.

This led to an odd conversation. It was revealed to Antieri that nobody had shit their pants, that the smell of feces that permeated the Metro car was a slice of a small, fragrant cheese that Jean-Luc had in his pocket, the dreaded Epoisses. Strictly speaking, Jean-Luc had broken the law by taking the cheese onto the Metro, where it is banned because of the smell. The potent odor is that powerful and, well, shit-like.

These two became unlikely friends, and one day they got to talking over a bottle of Santa Margherita pinot grigio, and the rest is history. The Personnalité comme Mûrs Fromage Evaluation was born! 2 and a half years later, the cheese/personality assessment test was published in Cosmopolitan Magazine, under the title, "Are you a sexy enough cheese for your man-cracker?"

Who are you, if not an expensive cheese that smells like feet? Your mysteries are revealed through a series of questions. Your answers are translated into a cheese that best fits it, and then analyzed. Perhaps a sample question would help you see the wisdom and elegance of using obscure cheeses in this fashion. The following is question 252:

At the pet store, you witness a mother gerbil eating her tiny, pink babies and are disturbed. Your find yourself thinking...

A. Ah, Nature!
B. I'm going to be sick. Right here.
C. I hate nature.
D. I'm definitely not getting a gerbil.

Answer carefully.

I have taken the test (which has over 600 questions like that one) and the result was uncanny. My score is represented as "Brie-Le Venaco-Ewe-8." That translates to, "You linger in the mind and heart like the aftertaste of a Selles-Sur-Cher. Some people like you, but most avoid you like the plague. If you're not homeless and insane now, you will be eventually. There is a 54% chance that you will be known as the 'crazy cat guy' by neighbors, and an 84% chance that you're a boob. And like the sharp smell of apples from a Camembert Affine au Cidre de la Maison, you stink on ice."

How did you answer the test question above? It's only one question, but if you answered...

A-You're leaning towards a Brie de Meaux, which has a thick rind and creamy texture. Thus, You're defensive and hard to get to know, but if one takes the time, your anti-social personality disorder will shine!

B- Bleu de Bresse, a pulverized blue cheese covered in patches of blue mold. Thus, You are constantly afraid, suffer from an anxiety disorder, and hate yourself. If you're a woman, you may have a yeast infection

C- Bûcheron, which has a firm but creamy texture, and has a taste that resembles burnt hair and a lanolin nipple cream used by nursing mothers. Thus, you're a misanthrope, and possibly a pedophile with a tendency to get Nancy Sinatra tunes stuck in your head.

D- Kasseri, a salty,tangy, hard white cheese. If you chose this, you are as gay as Barney Frank.

It's that easy! Look for the complete test in Cosmo and find something out about yourself, you may be surprised. Send in your results, and until then, Bon appetite!

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