The Gun Owner

If you own a gun, you're a coward. You've given yourself over to fear, of what you probably aren't sure. Chinese organ thieves, Mothra, dark foreigners, aliens of the illegal and space sort, who knows. What we do know is that you sit in your little abode, always aware of where your gun is and where the bullets are and how fast it would take you to load that sucker and prepare to defend your collection of NASCAR plates and shot glasses collected from county fairs across the country.

What is the profile of a gun owner? Here are the basic characteristics.

1. As I mentioned before, this is a fearful person. He knows that whatever bad may happen, his ability to reason his way out of the situation is nonexistent. Most gun owners and enthusiasts are not particularly bright, so they need a gun to make up for a lack of intelligence.

2. A lack of moral scruples. Me afraid, me put holes in you.

3. A small cock. Most gun owners have tiny genitals, and need their gun to compensate. It's a scientific fact.

4. Gullibility. These people have seen many movies where a gun solves the problem. The good guy reaches for the gun, the bad guy falls down, goes boom. They like this idea. They fondle their gun, drool, and think of any one of a thousand scenes from television and film where a gun saved the day. They live in a fantasy world.

5. A disconnect from reality. Gun statistics plainly indicate that owning a gun makes you and your family far more likely to die or be injured by a gun. Guns cause FAR more problems than they solve.

After the recent shooting in Tucson, the finger of blame has been pointed at mental illness. Some Right Wing morons have said that we need to register the mentally ill, and leave gun nuts alone. I submit that a desire to own a gun is a mental illness in itself, and a sign of well below average intelligence.

These people are to be pitied. They are so afraid, like little chipmunks hiding in the raptor exhibit at the zoo. Their cowardice can be addressed, but it takes work. It's difficult to transplant a spine.