Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Fine Month

April 20th is an auspicious day. Sure, it's the day that BP started spilling a quattuordecillion little drops of crude oil (206,000,000 gallons) into the Gulf of Mexico, way back in 2010. It was the largest oil spill in the history of...oil. For three withering, depressing months we all watched as oil ejaculated into the gulf, and the little birdies and fishies had their summer ruined, not to mention the people. If you don't know what a quattuordecillion is, it's a 1 followed by 45 zeros. A lot. In Britain, the same number is a 1 followed by 84 zeros. More proof that Americans suck at math.

One side benefit of the spill, however, is that people can fry shrimp without putting any oil in the pan first.

April 20th is also Adolph Hitler's birthday. In case you don't know, he killed a lot of people and ruined the toothbrush moustache for everyone.

It was also the day of the Columbine High School massacre, the failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba, and the day the Chicago Cubs first played in 1916. Not to mention the day that Oliver Cromwell dissolved the Rump Parliament. You'll never forget where you were when that happened, I wager.

So what makes April 20th auspicious? It's the day that Nancy and I are getting married in 2012. The day we enter a state of marital bliss. The day, I hear, that most couples stop having sex. Regardless of that aspect of it, we're going to set April 20th on happy footing. It will be remembered as our anniversary, the day that Darren stopped annoying women (besides Nancy) with his unwanted sexual advances. And they lived happily ever after until there came to them The One Who Destroys All Happiness.

I'm sure that a lot of good things happened on April 20th. As we all know, "420" has nebulous connections to smoking marijuana. It's the birthday of Crispin Glover, Jessica Lange, Veronica Cartwright and Ryan O'neil, and the day that the Wisconsin Territory was created. Not such a great day for the Native Americans, though.

By April 20th the forsythia will be in bloom, the grass will be green, and we'll be married. It's a fine month.

Mark Slaughter wrote this. I dig.

Still an irritating wind;
Vestiges of stubborn grey –
Jibing us of recent winter blight.

It’s coming though – like perky breasts
Pushing through a blouse –
Teasing, pleasing in it’s tantalising play:

Warmth of youth in April sun –
Simmering off depression,
Brains retuned; remapped for fun.

April is a portal –
Smoothly transitions
Delicate dispositions – suchlike mine,

Easing hunched bodies into
Summery smiles.

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