Saturday, January 21, 2012

Sex Science, Preferences, and Mythology: From Ass to Zipper

The sticky one, next to
the bed....ewwww!
What is more mysterious than sex? We wonder about it endlessly, are tormented by the questions it raises, and seek it out wherever we might find it. Sex motivates and hinders, creates phobias and addicts, can be called "love-making" or "fucking," depending on the breaks, fuels jealousy and deepens love bonds, can be scary or funny (or both), a source of joy or nightmarish body horror, can bring people together and tear them apart before they know what hit 'em. When it comes to our genitals, we are at the mercy of hormones and mood (We can't start them like a car or stop them with a gun). Above all that, sex has us all asking question after question after question. These queries start the first time we figure out that stroking between our legs creates just a super-duper feeling. From then on, it's a fascinating investigation.

As we get older, many questions get answered, but many more spring up. Experience leads to wonder, and more questions.

I'll learn to whack-off with my feet.
This is the premise for my post today, which I hope you'll enjoy. I'm trying to make a list of milestones and their associated questions, roughly chronological and auto-biographical. They should look familiar. Here is a list of questions that desire compels us to ask of ourselves, the world, and particularly those people we want to fuck. So many questions for them, about them, and about us for wanting them. Got it?

Age 5

 My fifth year on planet Earth was roughly about the time I truly discovered my penis. Or rather, that my penis does more than void the bladder, so to speak. Simply put, I rubbed the head, it felt good, and I never looked back. My main question at this time was, "Where is this going? This could be a big development in my life. We'll see."

Ages 5 to 12

I confess that I can't remember much about this time, but I'm quite sure that my penis was among my best friends. I'm not sure when I first rubbed the little bald guy until his monocle flew off (orgasm), but it was probably closer to age 5 than 11. Around this time I experimented with different lubricants, and made some horrible mistakes. Why not try Vaseline? Because it pulls the foreskin back and hurts like hell, and is hard to wash off. Why not use Vick's Vapor Rub? After all, it makes my chest all tingly when I have a cold. This leads to the question, "Do I need to go to the hospital after jerking off with Vick's Vapor Rub?" and perhaps, "Can this level of pain kill a person?"
Good for congestion,
Bad for wanking

Erections were a phenomenon worth considering, starting around age 10. "Can I break my penis, like I broke my arm?" The short answer is, "Yes." There is no bone in a boner, but it is stiff and can be sprained if misused. For example, never use an erect penis to change a tire or snake a toilet. Every morning, a raging hard-on. Why? Is that an "early bird" thing? Coming in my sleep, known as wet dreams, were another mind-blowing phenomenon. One cannot die in a dream, unless your dream is to star in the Spiderman: Turn On the Dark show on Broadway. Still, it is possible to experience a petit mort, and subsequently ruin your sheets.

Around 10 or 11, I started to notice girls and the possible role they may play in the epic drama/comedy gathering in my loins. Not that I did anything about it. I was very, very fat at this age, so girls were my friends, and that was the end of it. Sigh. The question, "How do I get a girl to investigate sexual potential with me? And another question loomed large, "How do I avoid getting a girl pregnant?" My theory? The first two or three ejaculations were OK, but after that one risks pregnancy. I was an idiot.

Age 13

Sex is constantly under the microscope at this age, and my primary concern was sex with a girl or boy. My first sexual experience was with a neighborhood kid, around age 13, who also happened to have a pecker. We jerked each other off. Questions I was left with include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. Is this a normal thing to do? A normal way to spend a lazy Summer night, rubbing your friends' dick?
2. What if I can't stop doing this? After all, it sure beats watching Candle Pin Bowling and Creature Double Feature.
3. What if my family and friends find out that I am screwing around with another boy? Does that me on Santa's naughty list? Will I be labeled, "gay?" I knew that I was attracted to women, and it bothered me that it might get even harder to find a date if everyone in town thinks I'm a Friend of Dorothy.
4. Why is ejaculate so hard to get off of a sheet?
5. Where can I find a girl who shares my bold curiosity for the genital adventure ahead?
6. Where did I leave my copy of, "Our Bodies, Our Selves," by the Boston Women's Health Collective. That book taught me a lot, and I am a better lover for having read it 20 times. By the time I was in bed with a girl, I knew right where that clitoris was hiding and how to feel for the spasm of a vaginal orgasm. And to stay away from the anus unless invited in. Like a vampire.
7. How do I lose weight and look good naked?
8. Do girls know how much we think about them? Do they know that we take mental pictures of their face, ass, breasts, back, etc. and think of them a lot...and yes, even when masturbating.

Age 14 - Virginity Lost (Thrown Away, Really)

What a year for the little fella and I. Needless to say, I got a girlfriend who had a lot of questions about what was hiding between my legs, and I had my questions, so we decided to work together and unravel some mysteries. This led to intercourse, and the deflowering of a classmate. Questions were everywhere.

1. How bad did I hurt this poor girl. I felt something snap like a rubber band, there was blood, and given our size difference, did I squash her to danger?
2. Is that much pubic hair normal? (It was).
3. What's the deal with women and orgasms? Getting a girl to come is like being the clitoris whisperer.
4. Is my penis small? (a question that haunts all men for life). Does it matter? (No).
5. Despite what my urologist said about my ball removal, can I get her pregnant? The thought made me sweat and purchase superfluous condoms.
6. After the break-up with my first girlfriend, why did her friend kick my ass during recess?

Age 15 until 11:51 am (EST) on January 21, 2012

In the last 24 years, I've been lucky. Most of my relationships have been rewarding, and most end in continued friendship. In that time, there have been 7 women and 1 man, and many questions I had in my childhood were answered. Yes, women think they know how much we think about them, but they have no idea. Other lessons:

Sex farts are hugely
embarrassing, but just
laugh it off
Penis size doesn't matter unless it is under 2 inches erect, that's what they tell me, anyway / The clitoris needs kind attention, firmness, and a predictable, rapid rhythm until orgasm, then stop or risk a hair pull / No, I can't get anyone pregnant and I pretend that this bothers me, but it's a blessing / I'll never look good naked, something I learned at a nudist colony. However, one can find a modicum of peace with himself or herself by just accepting who they are...really (although that can be difficult) / Masturbation isn't only normal, it's America's national pastime, get creative and have fun / Women generally don't want anal sex, and neither do I...anus vs. vagina? Vagina wins every time / Sex outside is risky, what with the bugs and sand, but worth it. Have a loud orgasm and encourage your partner to, as well. Then get dressed and run like hell / Women don't laugh at me for having no testicles, they don't seem to give a shit at all / Women are magnificent creatures that haunt men's minds 99% of the time / Sex with another man is perfectly normal, and can be damn fun / Farts during sex can be absolutely hilarious...laugh, don't turn red and run. If she does it, comfort her and laugh. If you have sex enough, this will happen someday, it's no big deal / KY Jelly and most brands of hand lotion make for good masturbation lubrication / Walking into a woman's bedroom for the first time, knowing that sex is imminent and that she wants you, is pure heaven and deeply affecting / Yes, it's possible to get away with sex in a psychiatric ward, but ill-advised / Pornography is really lame / Women love a good sense of humor / Smoking after sex really is rewarding / Snuggling is under-rated / Sex in the shower sucks, as one person is always cold and out of the stream / I hate blow jobs, they seem a bit demeaning to women...that's just me / Women are amazing to look at and explore. The small of her back, the back of her neck, her wrists, her hair, her eyes and smile and voice and laugh and smell, all just wonderful. My wife is a treasure / Don't underestimate foreplay, what's the rush? / Lights on or off, it's up to the lady / Keep a "come cloth" near the bed / I'm fond of the missionary position, among other "simple" positions / Don't take criticism too hard, always endeavor to get better at fucking! / Never eat Mexican food before sex / Sit down and pee after sex, otherwise you'll spray the wall / Sex is good, especially when it's with one you love with all your heart (yes, I'm an Romantic) / Make-up sex is outstanding / The best drugs to accentuate sex are alcohol, and that's it / My goal is to moan sexily with pleasure and avoid sounding like Don Knotts or Jerry Lewis when I come...And the list goes on and on. Screwing is a journey.

An instruction manual that
should come with every woman

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