Thursday, April 12, 2012

Can't Get Right

In the past few hours it has become clear to me that I've a character flaw that makes me just one of those people who have a quality that makes them unlikable. I've known for years that I have this quality, or lack of quality. I'm not affable, and it seems that I put people ill at ease. I don't know why. I'm very fond of people.

I'm not sure what the future of this blog will be. I'm tired of feeling like the reject, the strange one, the one people snicker at and gatherings. The heat radiates off the pavement, a cool breeze descends from a tall, cloudless sky, music flows through a neighbor's window, wind in the trees speaks to some part of me that makes my heart ache, the smell of lilacs is in the air...and everything is telling me that I'm not right. I'm not quite human. It's tiring, and I welcome death, or will when it comes.

The feeling of this despair emerges from the grass or pavement, and spirals around us and leaves us at the mercy of the governing body of our own self-loathing.

There are many people whom I love, nobody more than Nancy, and she would be so much better off without her misshapen pseudo-human husband. If I loved her, I'd slit my throat and set her free. My god do I love her. You think you know love, but you don't. The love I have for this woman is unlike any other.

Some people aren't right. I'm one of the not-right ones. It's just the way it is. 

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