Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Of Broken Pecker and The Far Side

On Turner Classic Movies right now is a movie entitled, "Most Dangerous Game," made in 1932 with Fay Wray and Joel McRea. My father was born in 1932. I'm quite sure everyone in this movie is dead. Certainly the pets are gone. The story has a lunatic who lures people onto a tropical island and then hunts them. It's quite good. Great atmosphere.

Tonight I give thanks to all my friends who advised me about penis dysfunction. My pecker is on the fritz, and it could be low testosterone or psychiatric medication or pain medication. Damned if I know. What I do know is that I'm not happy with my broken arrow, and I'm waiting for the testosterone shot to kick in and turn me into a human dynamo. Sex personified, with a fedora. Until then, I'm going to keep boring my friends with my tales of woe. If your hypothalamus, thyroid and genitals are working correctly and your hormones are in balance, thank your lucky stars, Friend-O. I'm a sexual milquetoast right now. And there is depression and lack of energy and...blah.

All this means that, in addition to using testosterone shots, I'll have to go into the endocrinology clinic and see my team of endocrinologists and urologists, all working feverishly to figure out the riddle between my ears and legs. This team includes medical school students, with a very high number of women students who have decided to major in Schlongology. Usually one student asks if he or she (always a "she") can take part in my examination. My doctor firsts asks me if it's ok if an adorable woman looks in on my genital examination and hugely embarrassing question and answer period. Always, the answer is, "Yes, it's okay." Why? It's a teaching hospital, and that's how the kids learn, and my penis, no balls, and hormones are nothing if not a unique specimen worthy of scholarly attention.

It's usually pretty cold in that clinic office, but I don't mind if my penis is shriveled up like the head of a frightened turtle. No, the big fear is getting an erection during an exam. This has never happened to me, but I live in fear of it. Given my medical condition, I simply have gotten used to answering sex questions and being looked at down there, via eyeball, MRI, and Ultrasound. Probably X-Ray specs, too...the ones that they sell at the end of every comic book, next to the sea monkeys.

It's stressful, and questions like, "Are you able to have an orgasm?" and "How often do you have sex and/or masturbate?" have me glowing red like a hot coal out of embarrassment. All the heat in my body escaping through my face. It creates an environment not conducive to sexual stimulation and a subsequent erection. Thankfully.

And soon I'll find out the fate of my thyroid. The plot thickens.

So I have the libido of a 90 year old nun with a massive head injury...big deal! So it takes me 3 hours to have an problem! I'll just pop, "The English Patient" or "Dances with Wolves" into the DVD player and have sex while watching a movie. When the English fellow finally dies, or when they shoot Two Socks, that's when I should be about ready to explode. Although those probably aren't good movie choices.

But what great friends I have. I'm a bit obsessed with my hormonal imbalance, as it leads to exhaustion, depression, and the aforementioned problems with sex. So I seek out advice from a friend who is a FTM transsexual, and others, who comfort me and laugh at me, lovingly, and buck me up. Thanks, really, my know who you are.

In other news, tonight I'm going to share my five favorite Far Side cartoons. It's good to laugh. Or so they say. Here we go...

*This actually has a pretty good story. Apparently, a lot of people were offended at the
 idea of Jane Goodall being depicted as a chimpanzee slut. Actually, she thought it was
 hilarious and even wrote the forward for the 5th Far Side book. It's worth mentioning that Gary Larson
visited Dr. Goodall in the field, and was attacked by a chimp that anthropology majors certainly
remember reading about, 
Frodo. He got some sort of revenge by beating the bag out of Larson, who suffered bruises and a couple of cuts, but was otherwise fine. Post-chimp attack fine, but fine.




And numero uno!

Good night, all.


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