"You're not going to eat that, are you?"
"A meatball fell out of my sandwich."
"I'm giving you 30 Vicodin for pain."
"You really are tactless, you fucking douchebag turd."
"When will Garrison Keilor shut the fuck up about the lost innocence of his mid-western childhood?"
"You can't stab me with that, that's a letter-opener, not a knife."
"That place had more mimes than a French circus."
"I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free."
"Why is it that everyone has a story about shitting themselves at the fair, carnival or amusement park?"
"What's a plantain? It's essentially a banana with attitude."