Tuesday, July 05, 2005

How to fly a flag the way God intended

As we all know, a great deal of respect and proper protocol is required when displaying the American flag; whether it be in front of a school, courthouse, or private residence. A flag must be taken down when it is raining, and illuminated or taken down at night. Many times in our lives, after a national tragedy, the flag has been flown at half-staff. This is meant to indicate our collective, and usually feigned, sorrow. What most of us do not know, however, is that the flag is supposed to be lowered in degrees, depending on the extent of the tragedy being recognized. The varying degrees of recognition of national catastrophes are listed below. It is very important for the collective dignity of this country for anyone who flies Old Glory to follow these instructions. God Bless America, support the troops, and embrace the march of freedom and democracy. If you don't, then go back to France you cheese-eating surrender monkey.


10 - Normal flag-flying day. America is proud, dumb, and happy. And usually flying faded, tattered flags from China.

9/10 - Congressional sky-diving mishap

8/10 - Karl Rove crushes the collective will of all who oppose the Bush Administration, on any conceivable issue.

7/10 - Four words: Bad batch of fudge.

6/10 - A vegetable with a half-sized brain gains the earnest attention of the entire executive and legislative branch.

5/10 - Generic tragedy that almost certainly has less impact on your life than running out of toilet paper or getting a hole in your sock.

4/10 - Secretary of the Interior can't get Pepsi machine to take his dollar bill.

3/10 - AOL sends out a mass mailing of CD's

2/10 - Any high-ranking member of the administration travels to another country and promptly talks down to the people of that country, thus alienating yet another segment of the world population.

1/10 - Republicans childishly advocate changing the name of French fries to "freedom fries."

Let the eagle soar,

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