Piaf's "L'accordeoniste" Will Save The Forest, You Selfish Prick

My email inbox is always full of petitions, reports from the front, protest notifications, and stories about one thing or another that are supposed to light my proverbial fire and raise my inclination towards righteous action. And through a little slot in my front door, the mailman brings more petitions and letters from organizations that are convinced, for some reason, that I can help. It doesn't help that at various times in my life I gave money to the Anti-Vivisection Society, Union of Concerned Scientists, American Civil Liberties Union, and Socialist Party USA, among many others. Once you give money to any cause, you're doomed. And I feel bad for them, because it's not very likely they'll see another penny. Except for Alley Cat Allies. Everyone knows I worship the cats.

Should I write them and say,

"To Whom It May Concern,

I really have a high opinion of your organization, and your attempts to do something about seal clubbing/global warming/deforestation/the erosion of civil liberties/capitalism/animal cruelty, but I haven't a pot in which to piss. Without money, I'm not a very good friend for you to have. Frankly, without money I'm not a very good friend for anyone to have. Isn't that sad? Anyway, I know that when you send me a letter to sign, to be sent to my senator and/or congressman, that you're really looking for money. I don't resent it, but it must be awfully frustrating for you when you get the signed letter back and nothing else. So we're just wasting each others time. I wish you the best of luck in saving whatever it is your trying to save, or get rid of, whatever the case may be.

Yours In The Struggle (but keep away),
Darren"

I know that I'd just be eggin' 'em on by doing that. I don't want to taunt them, and I certainly don't want Robert Redford showing up at my door. The last thing I want is the "Sundance Kid" poking through my stuff, telling me that I must have SOME money for the Natural Resources Defense Coalition. And as he leaves with my computer and Edith Piaf CD's, what could I tell him? "I loved you in 'Three Days of the Condor!"