Anything I do that is healthy is done totally by accident. Like everyone else, I'm armed with all the knowledge I need to live a healthy lifestyle. On television, in books and magazines, and on the Internet, one is simply inundated with unsolicited advice. Energetic and scantily-clad men and women show off their sculpted "abs" and well-toned "glutes." Some of them are salespeople trying to sell some ridiculous contraption that we're supposed to use everyday. These don't bother me so much, because I like looking at the human body...so long as it isn't mine. Oh, how I would like to stroke the man's "abs" and the woman's "glutes."
Like every American, I'm very good at ignoring advertisements, and these ads do little more than force me to question my heterosexuality for a minute or so. There is no way in hell that I would buy such equipment. The oiled-up fellow running on the beach just makes me itchy, what with the sand sticking to the oil. Eek. I'm not even sure what he is selling. And while were on the subject of buff salespeople, there is no chance of me buying a cream or pill that supposedly will make my ass smaller and my dick bigger. I'm skeptical like that.
And there is a skinny, ugly fuck on the Subway's commercial who almost makes me want to be fat. What an annoying prick.
It's not that I don't want to be normal, weight-wise. In my sexual experience, a more svelte physique would have been a great asset. Nobody says, "Oh, baby, lift your belly and flop it on top of me before penetration...oh, I love that." And I never had a girlfriend who enjoyed playing with my man-boobs.
I've had a pretty good sex life up until recently, and that's as a fat guy. If I were svelte and stacked or whatever they call it, I think that I'd be something of a player. But it's just not going to happen.
If I do anything healthy, it's by accident, as I said before. I don't smoke because my father smokes like a maniac, and thusly I hate smoking. I'm safe from base-jumping accidents because I never leave the house. I won't get an STD because, generally speaking, women don't want to fuck mentally-ill guys who have no money and weigh 300lbs. In my life, I've managed to find 7 sex partners. They represent the only women in America who would touch a freak like me. So I've hit the wall.
So I'm fat, I don't eat right, and I get very little exercise. I also take phenytoin, levoxythyroxine, Androgel, Lipitor, lorazepam, buspirone, Lexapro, and lithium. So my liver is taking a pounding. I'm also as crazy as a bed bug.
That doesn't add up to a man who is trying to "do a body good." I'll also happily abuse any narcotic I can find. But I take my vitamins!
Aside from my weight, which is a consequence of my lousy eating habits, I don't mind being such a ticking time bomb, health-wise. I just want to look thin enough to get laid more often. My personality must be good, as all of my relationships were obviously based on personality alone. So if I could get rid of the man boobs, I could be a real Don Juan.
So I need to decide between a complex, sexual, highly-rewarding relationship with another human being, or Coke and Italian sub sandwiches.
Should be an easy decision, shouldn't it?
No comments:
Post a Comment