Of Ears And Candy

My exquisite paramour, a delightful and comely young lass of robust character, is suffering from something called, Eustachian Tube Disorder. It's a malady of the inner ear that may require surgery. There is also tinnitus, which is a constant ringing of the ears. Aside from the distress that comes from the fear of going deaf, she is perpetually annoyed by the noise that nobody else can hear. It strikes me as a perfectly awful problem, but she is handling it well. I'd pray for her, but that's just silly. Instead, I'll try to make her laugh.

Halloween is a month away, and it is by far my favorite holiday. I'll write more about that later, which I'm sure you can't wait to read. What made me think of it is the bag of lollipops I just found in the pantry. They're from last year, and they represent an attempt to get through Halloween as cheaply as possible without turning out the lights and hiding from the kids. I'll pass them out, provided they are not all fused together into one huge lollipop. I'll throw in a mini Hershey bar to soften the disappointment that will naturally flow from getting a lollipop. And a nip of brandy for the parents.

Massachusetts is the second most densely-populated state, behind only New Jersey. So kids get a lot of candy for very little walking. My dear Amanda lives in Montana, which has a population roughly equal to Bermuda spread out over an area the size of, well, Montana. That means a LOT of walking for very little candy. One is about as likely to get shot as to get a tasty treat. A marathon is 26 miles and some change. For about that distance you would hit 4 or 5 houses, and possibly get eaten by a bear or mountain lion or back-woods survivalist. Candy is wonderful, but it's not worth hearing, "You've got a pretty mouth." Yes, I'm perpetuating a stereotype. Somebody has to.

When I was a kid there was always one douchebag who would give out toothpase and/or a toothbrush instead of candy. Later on, we would always sneak back and shit down their chimney. That's what they get for caring about my health enough to give me something for free. But I did later find out that toothpaste is delicious when slathered on a Zagnut.