A Bit Morbid But Hopefully Amusing

Given my morbid fixation with death, and my previously discussed attempts to off myself, I've been concerned about what my loved ones are going to do with my fat, bloated corpse when I'm gone. I certainly don't want the cost of cremation and interrement to fall upon my brother, or perhaps some relative who rarely saw me in life. Life insurance won't work, either, as they won't sell it to me for health reasons. I'll never forget the conversation with the agent from Global Life Insurance several months ago. He insisted that we could, "make this work." The "this" in question was, of course, getting me life insurance. After 20 minutes of conversation he concluded, "Sorry, this just won't work." La, la, la. And suicide nullifies any life insurance policy anyway, so there were other factors at work.

After that, I turned to the Massachusetts Cremation Society. It sounds like a group of people who get together every so often and cremate people, sort of as a hobby. But instead they offer low cost cremations to members, and a membership for life costs a mere $25. A card in my wallet reads, "This certifies that the Cremation Society of Massachusetts has been authorized by me...to handle all details after my death, I have requested a simple and direct cremation." Ta da! The only problem with that is that it will still cost about $1,400 to roast me. If I come into money, I'll pay it in advance, but I'm not likely to come into money...unless I jerk off into a dollar bill.

Ok, I'm sorry for that.

Recently I discovered a company that would be more than happy to cart my body away, play with it for a few weeks, and then cremate it. All for free. No, it's not an organization of necrophiliacs with a fat fetish. It's a group called MedCure. They will use my body, "for science." That's a lovely euphemism. Once you get past the idea of medical students making fun of your penis size and cramming your dead index finger up your dead nose, it's not so bad. Certainly, the form I had to sign was really disturbing, particularly the part about the possibility of "disarticulation and segmentation" of my body. Yeesh.

I need to focus on the positive aspects of my choice to donate my body for research. They will use it to seek all sorts of cures and treatments, and may even come up with something for "man boobs" because of me. And to get into the spirit of things even more, I was thinking of getting a tattoo to make the medical students laugh, something like, "Refrigerate after opening."