Post Number 150-Nothing Of Interest Today

I'm the architect of the lonely life I'm leading, but having nobody else to blame for my isolation doesn't mean that I'm content with it. The older I get the more I realize that there is an emotional instability, along with a fundamental nihilism, social anxiety and self-loathing, that makes most human interaction extremely difficult. While I do extremely well most of the time in one to one conversation, particularly with women, anything beyond that can trigger an anxiety attack that usually has me savaging every aspect of my physical appearance, intelligence and character. My psychiatrist tells me that it's like paranoia; I think that others are unreasonably and tenaciously mocking me mercilessly. And generally speaking I'm a reasonable person, so I'm aware of how absurd I'm being. But that does nothing to stop it. It's crippling, and motivates a barrage of "suicidal ideation."

I also have chapped lips.

So over the years I've been slowly backing up, first from school, then from political activism, and on and on. These days, my interactions with the world exist primarily via the telephone and the Internet. I've even found it hard to go on a date, and that's always been something I could do. Suicide, while not in the immediate future, feels inevitable. I feel like a fat Howard Hughes without money.

Thank goodness for the friends I do have. I try not to contact them very often out of fear of annoying them, especially my ex's. Donna, Linda and Clare have put up with my "eccentricities" (to put it nicely) so I try to give them the gift of my silence as much as possible. I love my other friends, and my brother, so I try to keep away from them, as well. But I still contact them frequently, as isolation is something I've found to be more painful than I ever thought it would be. I try to take comfort in knowing that I'm 34, and that the end can't be all that far off.

Sorry to anyone who actually may be reading this, for being a nihilistic prick, but that's where my mind is today. It's been a rough weekend.