Crashed badly earlier tonight, with unspeakably nasty thoughts about myself swirling in my head. Right now, I'm just trying not to think. I feel less than human, like I'm something else, less than living, even. Every kind word about me, or action towards me, is undeserved. What right have I to speak or write or even breath? As if I have anything to say. I feel like empty space, between people and natural phenomenae. The rocky plateau between the volcano and the sea. I am a pet. I am a retarded fellow who keeps a little blog. Nothing honest or real about me, nothing worth taking the time to understand even if immediately understood. I'm surprised I've a drop of blood in me, or a Social Security number. Who made the mistake of thinking me alive? The one who starts a dirty rumor. That's what I am, a rumor, or suggestion, of a human being. But I'm something else in reality, something humanlike, but also not even organic. Like a hunk of plastic with fake eyes to look into.
Soon I'm going to curl up in bed and take a couple of lorazepam and hopefully start with something else tomorrow. Perhaps a Zyprexa would be good tonight.
2 comments:
Before you consider Zyprexa... recommend you listen to the Zyprexa series. It's an eye opener. I recorded the program for the Just Say Know to Prescription drugs campaign and I couldn't believe my ears.
Here is a Direct link:
http://justsayknow.kpncradio.com/activism.htm
I research every drug I take before I take it. Personally, I've found Zyprexa to be helpful, and it has yet to kill me. And so it goes.
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