Of Butterflies and Gummi Bears

I was pounding down some Haribo Gold-Bears about an hour ago when I lost a filling. A "Gold-Bear" is a gummi candy made in Hungary and eaten by fat fucks like me all over the world. If you haven't had the pleasure, it's like chewing on a fruity pencil eraser shaped somewhat like a bear, although more like a little coffee table. I'm not sure yet which tooth lost the filling. Feh, who cares. That cavity is now filled with corn syrup, gelatin and hell knows whatever else Haribo threw into the vat.

I continue to bring box after box of crap over to the new flat. Back and forth I shlep, across the muddy courtyard with little islands of ice. Boy howdy. Each time I make the trip, I feel as if all my neighbors are watching me, making comments about what an asshole I am. I'm so anxious about something. My mind is racing and I have those proverbial butterflies in my stomach.

My goodness how I miss people. I heard from a friend of mine earlier today, and it touched me to know that I was in the fond memory of another. And yesterday I got a notice in the mail from an ex-girlfriend from almost 10 years ago. It was a picture of her new baby, a girl, born earlier this month. She seems very happy as a mother and wife, and I'm past feeling any pain for having "lost" her. But there is something like pain, and like regret. I suppose it's just sentimentality. Of the same sort that one feels when listening to music. Nostalgia about a place you've never been, and for a time you've never lived through. But it somehow feels like home. Only something unreal could be so perfect. I'm not sure of what it is I think I lost with that girl, but it's better than whatever really existed between us. An illusion of love? How pathetic! Regardless, I hope she is finding what she was looking for with her growing family.

I'm off to the hospital to see if my pop is still kicking. And then back here tonight for some lorazepam and perhaps a modicum of relief from this nasty anxiety. Hey, maybe I'll even pick up a paper and see what's happening in the world.