The Paris Hilton

No, Chica, I can't believe that Paris Hilton has escaped prison at the last minute! I actually thought that she would just give in and complete her sentence, perhaps find a modicum of dignity in the whole affair. Ha! As of this writing, I don't know why exactly she has been let out to complete her service at home. I imagine is has to do with some sort of psychotic breakdown that required her being returned to her ostentatious life. But I'm with you Bipolar Chica...it may take a lot to surprise us, given some of the things we've seen in our lives, but this actually does the trick.

Apparently, my good looks and fantastic body isn't enough to keep me out of trouble. I refer to my encounters with the criminal justice system on occassion, but they really weren't interactions of any consequence. The first two times I was "arrested" had to do with my attempted suicides. Apparently, it's illegal. In neither case did I spend any time in jail, although I was restrained. And once I walked into Mass. General Hospital with my then girlfriend, who urged that I admit myself. I said something about suicide to the triage nurse and then the next thing I knew my pants were gone and I was secluded in a concrete room with a metal door.

In each psychiatric hospital, I was there under lock and key, but I wasn't inclined to try and leave. I wasn't really of a mind to do anything, let alone a daring midnight escape. They don't call it "escape" in the nut house, they call it "eloping." Needless to say, I never eloped. I actually wanted to get help, and was willing to do a lot to get it. There was no cynicism or bitterness about the predicament I found myself in. Just embarrassment. My new friends in the bin told me stories about how they got there, too. Most were pretty lame, like the girl who took 5 Tylenol to try to kill herself. But some were absolutely terrifying, particularly from my closest "in hospital" friend, a woman in her late 40's who suffered physical and mental abuse, along with sexual abuse from her father. Some people really feel like opening up to me, and that can be a good thing sometimes. Getting to know her was a healing experience for me as well as her. Some people are just so fucking tough. God is such a prick that most of us have to be.

Regardless, I've only been in jail twice, and in handcuffs three times. I don't mean to repeat myself, since I've discussed this before, but once was for shoplifting and the other time was for something I actually didn't do. I was arrested for falsely reporting a shooting, from a payphone in front of the CVS where I had just shoplifted. I really didn't do it, which is a terrible predicament to be in. I later told my court appointed attorney that I wasn't worried about the "false police report" charge. What I meant was that I wasn't worried because I didn't do it! He thought I was blowing it off as a minor charge. He said, "Actually, you have to worry about that a LOT more than the shoplifting."

So, under instructions from my public defender, I worried. Then I found out that they dusted for fingerprints on the payphone and didn't find a match with mine. Hooray! Also, the audiotape of the voice on the phone, supposedly mine, just magically disappeared. Again hooray!

The latest news as I write this is that Paris Hilton is due in court tomorrow morning, 9am Pacific time, which would be 12pm here. For some reason, I hope they stick her back in her cell.