The Account Of A Full-Blown Tuna Melt

Fucking tuna melt. It was good, but it's gone now, except for the picture to the right. It's more than half gone there, but we still had some good times ahead of us. You can see how well-toasted the bread was, and the sadness on my face as I became increasingly aware that our time together was short. I didn't think it was going to be a very good sandwich when I started making it, and the cheese that made it a "melt" was put on cold, as an afterthought. Little did I know how well the cheese, tuna, mayonnaise and bread would lovingly embrace each other and, simply put, create one hell of a sandwich.

I would like to thank my lover and confidante, Linda, for providing the "club" bread that made this whole endeavor possible. Without it, it's impossible to know what bread I would have had, probably scali bread. Scali bread is wonderful, although it's baked locally in Cambridge and Somerville (different loaves, that is, they never bake a single loaf in both towns) and they don't put any preservatives in it. Sounds great, doesn't it? Well, it's not. I can't eat a whole loaf of bread every day and a half. So as great as scali bread is, I only buy it once or twice a week. So the bread that is carrying the load, as it were, is Pepperidge Farm Very Thin white bread. But Linda brought me over a large loaf of white bread that I thought was going to suck. Obviously, it didn't. It rocked my world, turned night into day, Coke into Pepsi, all that shit. And it was labeled for foodservice only, so Linda apparently has some stories to tell, too. It was very soft and very white.

Incidentally, that's what it said underneath my UMass Boston yearbook picture.

The tuna was shoplifted, but that's a long story. I don't shoplift much these days, having had a good look at what a monumental pain in the ass it is when you have to go to probation. It really is. And probation officers aren't in the business of being nice. They really poop on you. Regardless, I'm fond of Bumble Bee solid white tuna in water.

Got that, assholes?

I'm sorry, I got a little carried away there. The mayonnaise was Cain's, not Hellmann's or Kewpie, and certainly not fucking Miracle Whip. I don't like Miracle Whip on any level; how it tastes, looks, smells, and how it makes me feel when I eat it. Successful, fulfilled people probably never go near the stuff. But who am I to judge.

What else, what else...oh, yes, the cheese was Kraft Deli Deluxe American, because it was in the icebox. And that's it, the story of my sandwich. I shared some of the tuna with Impy, and she insists upon the good, snow-white stuff. Naturally, I try to give her the cheap stuff, or just the tuna "juice." She doesn't go for that. She's a little coal bin connoisseur who refuses to shit in her litter box, and instead prefers going under the basement stairs. If this flat didn't have basement stairs she'd have to actually shit in her box. Life is a game of inches, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, one last thing. The toaster I used in the making of my tuna on toast that evolved into a full-blown tuna melt was a Toastmaster two slice toaster model TT2CTBB, set on "5." It's hot out, and I'm usually averse to making toast when it goes above 78 degrees (it's complicated and a very strange quirk), but something compelled.

What else is happening out there, worthy of my commentary? I read that they pulled a giant squid out of Australian waters that is the size of a bus, but they didn't elaborate on what kind of bus. Seriously, you can't use "bus" as a unit of measurement. They have huge Willie Nelson buses and small half-size buses that High Schools use for retards. And then there is the VW micro-bus. Either way, it doesn't matter. To me, it's just another reason to stay the fuck out of the water in Australia.

I thought it was amusing that I was figuring out my monthly bills while on the computer, and when I got stuck I spent five minutes looking for a calculator. And then I sat at my computer with a calculator in my hand. I'm an idiot.

Well, I think that's it for this afternoon. I'm not well, this time physically, and I'm a dizzy mess. And last night was just...awful. It could be due to my starting a new psychiatric drug, but I'm skeptical. In any event, I'm going to drink some icewater and try not to throw up or pass out. I'm prone to the occassional seizure, and I'm just waiting for one to happen. It's in the pipe, I can feel it.

That's what she said!