Like A Bug

I'm not sure what is exactly behind the infrequent postings to this blog, except that my mental state is at least a little bit to blame. Therefore, I'm to blame, but I'm not going to apologize because there's only about a dozen people who read this thing. Part of my recent, particularly nasty bout with depression and suicidal thoughts is linked in a small way with my lack of money. I'm really not complaining, though. As a nihilist I have a completely illogical but very sinister fear that the universe will squash me like a bug if I don't appreciate how fortunate I am. I do, I really do. Every time I think about complaining, particularly about money (most people have little if any), I think about the fellow who tried to save his dog after it jumped into a hot spring at a national park. The dog died, as did the heroic owner, both of third degree burns over 100 percent of their respective bodies. So not having the price of a newspaper for the next few days shouldn't bother me that much.

And it doesn't, but a little bit, yes. I'm literally and figuratively hiding out in this flat, from people. That's a good thing when penniless. If I had a sudden strong desire to go to the symphony, or even get a damn cup of coffee in the square, I'd be unfulfilled. The bills are paid, there's food in the house, and I obviously still have Comcast. No small things, those. Mainly I wish I had a little disposable income for when I do things with my girlfriend. Ah, well.

A much bigger problem is my brain, and my mind. Depression is mean. It doesn't provide a struggle that can be romanticized, and one doesn't grow from it. My primary psychiatric diagnosis, bipolar disorder, has variants. Mine is "rapid cycling," which means I bounce between "clinical" depression and hypomania. I've spoken to people who suffer from unipolar depression, and bad, and they seem to think they have it worse off than people who at least get to go through periods of hypomania or mania. That may be true, given how perfectly awful is depression. But the bipolar aspect means heinous instability and makes social interaction so difficult. I wish I would, or could, just overcome it, perhaps with will and medication. I've been essentially trying to do that since my first hospitalization. I'm starting to feel defeated. This may not be a passage to another place. This may be the place. Ah, well.

Kent and Michelle will be celebrating their anniversary tomorrow. Happy anniversary.