Friday, May 30, 2008

Of Sex Toys, $300, Malkin and Racism

Today found me awake at 4am and full of an inexplicable surplus of energy. By 5am, I was driving down Massachusetts Avenue in Cambridge, looking for a place to buy the Boston Globe. To the extent that I was on a "mission," I failed. I did, however, find Verna's open for business at 5:30. Verna's happens to be a bakery. A few minutes later I was on my way home with mocha cakes and a "Figure 8" for myself. If you don't know what a "Figure 8" is, I won't ruin the mystery by describing it. They're wonderful little taste delights that I've been fond of for years. Back in the day, my father and I would stop at Verna's for coffee and the aforementioned pastry in between cleaning houses in Cambridge.

So there's a history here.

Unfortunately, Verna's was sold, but the new owner kept the name and is still making fairly good pastries. Not as good as they were, though. Trust me, I would know, being a fat fuck and all.

I really need to be in therapy. If only I could muster the courage and fortitude.

Were I a woman, I'd be a lesbian
with a Jack Rabbit
But enough about pastry and self-improvement, let me write awhile about money and sex. The "money" portion of today's entry involves the telling of a sad tale, of wealth discovered, claimed and subsequently taken away. I'm talking about the "Stimulus Check" that Bushie sent to just about everyone. Even I was supposed to get one, po' little me. I had such plans for that $300, so many ways I could stimulate the economy. Toys in Babeland, a lesbian-run sex toy shop out of San Francisco, sent me promotional email suggesting that I buy a rubber vagina or butt plug with my $300. In the abstract, I'm a big supporter of all sex toy users, but I never got into it myself. Even the purple, absurd rubber vagina that Clare bought for me two years ago sits in a box in the closet, unused. Well, used once. I need not toys...another whole human being is enough. The butt plug coupon was amusing, however, as it literally proposed that I shove the stimulus money up my ass. They had so many toys to choose from; strap-ons, dildos, vibrators, sleeves, bondage leather, oils, and the famous "Jack Rabbit." While I sincerely enjoyed the prospect of buying $300 worth of sex toys, essentially giving my Bush money to a lesbian couple in San Francisco, it would have been a waste. I love sex, to a degree that my lover might call annoying, but I simply don't need a tool box of silicone cocks and Mandelay. Well, Mandelay does have something to offer me. Enough about that.

Two of these fitted bras cost me $186,
Nancy wanted to smack me
Then I thought of buying clothes, which is tough to do when one is a poor child like me. A new Fedora would suit me, as would a shirt with French cuffs. Sigh.I also thought of pissing it away on a vacation here or there. A neighborhood cat needs to be captured and "fixed," I could have done that with my $300. Or bought 60 boxes of Ring Dings. Or paid some bills.

What I'm trying to relate here is that I really had plans for my $300. A windfall to a tramp like me. Alas, sex toys and Ring Dings are not going to be in my future...immediate future, anyway (could a Ring Ding itself be a sex toy?). With great consternation, I found out via two letters that arrived the same day that my check was on it's way. The next letter I opened had me ensconced in a modicum of anger and sadness; my check had been "intercepted" by my student loan company.

 You may have noticed that I am the very picture of erudition. Oh, yes, you must have. Ha! But that fancy book-learnin' didn't come cheap. As of now, I still owe nearly $49,000. I'd like to say that it's a little less now, what with the involuntary $300 payment I made, but I can't. It didn't even cover a small portion of the interest, let alone the principal.

Woe is me.

I'm not going to complain, however. This has been a good week for the Democrats, and Left in general. Michelle Malkin made an ass out of herself when she accused Rachel Ray of being an "Islamic apologist" after Ray wore a paisley scarf in one of her Dunkin' Donuts commercials. The scarf resembled a "keffiyah," which is traditionally worn by Islamic men. If you haven't heard of this story, by all means find it via Google. It is among the stupidest things a public figure has said since the 2003 "Freedom Fries" nonsense drummed up by two Republican Representatives, Bob Ney and Walter Jones. Michelle Malkin isn't high profile generally, but the marginal Right Wing loves her.
Attending university while working full time is
great. It creates hope for a brighter future.
And it's ironic that her position mirrors the Iranian government position on wearing keffiyah, that it should be worn by men only.

John McCain keeps indicating that he isn't up to the challenge of running against Obama. McCain's only hope is that our nations proud hicks and rednecks will make it impossible for Obama to win. I used to think that the racist factor was a minor one, but after the Democratic primaries in Kentucky and W. Virginia, I'm not so sure.

I'll be on later, I'm suddenly struck with an anxiety attack because the phone rang. It happens.


Chica. said...

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your check. I'll be in the same boat soon, I'm sure.

I checked into it and there is a form called total and permanent disability. You have to be unemployed through out most of the process.

I hope this helps.

Your friend,

Chica. said...

Oh, whoops! Call your student loan agency for the form.

Anonymous said...

Hi, D, it's EveWD. How are you? I never told you, Dar, but after we had sex back in '04 you got me pregnant. That's right, you have a 3 year old son!


Chica. said...

I have an award for you. Check my May 31st blog.


Apocalypse Cow said...

Holy shit, West Virginians are retarded racist assholes

that link will take you to the reason why Obama won't win. Our country is full of racist pant loads.

I'm more pissed at Dunkin Donuts for folding and pulling the ad, to appease that stinky right wing twat.

Apocalypse Cow said...

Dammit, they pulled the video. Basically, it was full of "I'm not gonna vote for Obama, I'll vote for McCain before I vote for him", with no real reasons why. Just a lot of "I won't vote for him." One woman actually said "I aint prejudice or nothin, but I don't want a black man in the white house."

Yes, because he'll immediately start throwing BBQ parties and leaving empty 40 bottles in the West Wing.