Down And Out And Looking To Cram Something In Your Yap

I'm poor and it doesn't really bother me. As I've said before on this thing, I couldn't be more fortunate regarding the treatment of my mental and physical ailments. Being flat broke a good portion of the time puts me in company with most of humanity. Yes, it would be great if I could travel and see some more of this fucking planet and the fucking people and places on it. Everywhere but North Korea and Texas, anyway. And I miss going to Tanglewood, or out to the theatre, and I haven't had sushi in awhile, which I'm fond of...well, some of it. One needs money to do those things, you see. But that's not a complaint. Five out of six people in the world have never been on the Internet, billions of people live in squalor and countless others eat rocks and sticks for dinner. Tonight I had a grilled cheese.

The most disconcerting, and genuinely upsetting, part of poverty is being seen as a dead-beat by family and friends. I just borrowed $40 off of my brother, one of the kindest and giving human beings ever. Honestly, I don't think he minds since he knows I'll pay him back. But it's still so humiliating. When people ask that question, "What would you do if you were rich?" I invariably come back to one thing time and time again; I would lend people money and let them play the pauper role. Magnanimity would be a nice change. I would also eat out all the time, as I'm a fat fuck and fond of food, but don't like to cook all that much. Drugs would be around a lot, too. I'd dig up the number of a friend of mine in Lawrence and probably start doing cocaine again (I had a brief affair with it years ago). Don't judge me for that if you've never tried it. Actually, it doesn't matter, go ahead. It's just so fine when all that avoidant, bipolar, panic attack, depression, schizophrenic bullshit flies out the window when you do a line, and you're suddenly very happy and have a lot of energy. Come on, I'm only human. One minute you're depressed and low and the next you're scrubbing the kitchen floor whilst humming Queen's We Are The Champions. Eventually, I'd have to go into rehab, but since I'm rich in this scenario I could afford a swanky place.

I'd be a kick-ass philanthropist. My efforts would be focused on animals, because I generally like them more than people. But I'd fling some money at some left-wing groups, too. In support of things like gay marriage, socialized health care, legalized marijuana, etc. I suppose everyone puts charity at the top of the list. Helps to get the guilt monkey off one's back.

I'm sure that everyone who reads this will be familiar with some of the methods one uses to survive when money is hard to find. There are some things you can't fake, like getting gas for the car. I once put $2.40 worth of gas in my car, back when I had one. Floating checks is another popular method of getting through a dry spell, but modern technology is going to eventually make that impossible. And for those of us with refined scruples, shoplifting can also be an invaluable tool. However, it's critical that you don't get caught. The problem is, if you do it long enough, you will get caught. But there was a time when an empty cupboard would compel me to take a plastic shopping bag to a grocery story, fill it up, and then walk out the door. I guess that's cheating. The best honest way to keep your belly full when you have very little money is to seek out pasta. Some spaghetti and a stick of butter and you're on your way to a satisfying meal. Well, a meal, anyway. Ramen noodles are popular with my starving artist friends, and college students. They're insanely cheap...almost too cheap. You start to wonder how they could Ramen a noodle so cheaply.

Earlier today, I was involved in a conversation about Spaghetti-O's. Oh, yeah. I'm of the opinion that it's a vile product that cannot be improved via the use of any spice. The sauce overpowers everything. Everything. But Apocolypse Cow, a friend of the blog, reports that there is a store brand Spaghetti-O's ripoff that is better than the real thing. The mind boggles.