Wednesday, June 03, 2009

First, Do No Harm

I think that I'm a harmless person, generally, and of a compassionate disposition. One doesn't aspire to harmlessness as a child, and it seems like a easy accomplishment. And it is. I've never been in a fight in my life. Even when I was mugged, I offered no resistance. My brother took off like the wind, but I wouldn't have gotten far that way, what with the fatness.

There has been a lot of suicide this and that, and cutting, and burning. But always, of course, to myself. Sort of defines, "suicide." At some point, I got it into my head that I was going to fail at anything I tried, because I was up against something stronger than ambition or self-respect or self-control. So that was that. Not that I was all that ambitious. But I did have my eye on grad school, and I loved biological anthropology (focus on osteology)

I have a good life. Better than what I deserve. I'm doing my best to put this crushing guilt behind me, and to just be there for Linda and my family and friends. Still, I'm toying at the idea of going through a program that would return me to work, if possible. I'm comforted, but it's a delusion.

Confident or fatalistic, it doesn't matter as either way I'm out-matched, the rest is just aesthetics.

For my friends out there, to the extent that I have any, I don't go a single day without thinking about what a difficult person I can sometimes be. Occasionally, very difficult. I'm not really good at anything and the world is not for me, but I'll ride it out and hopefully make a life while I'm waiting for the Void to open up.

So morose.

Anyway, I'll write more tomorrow. I hope you find the time to read it.

1 comment:

Apocalypse Cow said...

Wil Wheaton posted an article about the Tienanmen Square incident, and I almost posted a link to your excellent article, but didn't want to put you through the stress of (possibly) hordes of unknown people wandering through your musings.